To love or not….that is the question

I have decided I must be a romantic at heart. Because if anyone should have been ‘put off’ by love, it’s me.

I’ve had all kinds – but never the mythical movie romance.

Although, to be fair, I know a few people who have something close to that myth. I’m just not one of them.  I fear I may have been ‘put off’, although somewhere deep inside the walls of my heart, I suspect the desire still lurks.

My mind is good at chasing that ‘lurker’ even deeper into those walls.

It reminds me of the time I dated the perfect guy, only to find he was not only a cheater, but that he looked better in heels and a mini-skirt than I did.

It reminds me of the guy who couldn’t read, and thought that ‘rules’ said ‘ribs’, and made sure a good few were broken.

It reminds me of the family destroying cash flow problem that comes when you get involved with someone with a serious gambling addiction.

It reminds me of the doctor who had a prescription drug problem, and the farmer who needed rehab for his drinking.

But more importantly, it reminds of who I am now. It reminds me that although I don’t have a handle on the whole low self-esteem thing, I now have the knowledge that I am still worth SOMETHING more than to be treated like less.

It reminds me that I am actually happy enough in myself to not NEED to be defined by someone else.

It reminds me that I have matured – and all of a sudden, in my late thirties – I am actually quite content with my life, my kids, my dog.

Do I wish for love again? I guess I do. It might still be nice to find the man who was created with a hand that has fingers made to fit perfectly in between mine.

But older, wiser, and a better judge of character, I fear he will be a needle in a haystack…and with my failing eyesight I’m just not sure!

9 thoughts on “To love or not….that is the question

  1. Hmm, these words rang true for me as well.

    The feelings lurk, but I often ask myself and God “what’s the point in having a heart that feels deeply if all it feels is pain?”

    Sometimes, in the quite moments, when I’m still enough to hear the Spirit speaking, the answer is: “to truly LIVE one must FEEL.” But I’m stubborn, impatient, worn, emotionally exhaustwd from all the years of giving without receivings and I have questions, and I ask boldly, “HOW MUCH PAIN AM I EXPECTED TO ENDURE? ”
    I know I must make HIM angry with all my questions of doubt. My faith is weak and I’m tired of always being the one who is always known to be strong. Even if that is a good quality to have, sometimes I simply would like to feel cared for by someone else.

    Then again, perhaps I’m wishing for the wrong thing. Perhaps I should be wishing I were rich so I can pay for someone to care . But I jest, for I know all too we’ll money can’t buy true happiness.

    And so, like you, I wait for the one with hands whose fingers fit perfectly in between mine . (Love the way you phrased that!)

    Great post. May you find the love you need and may you be granted the peace necessary to wait patiently for your prince charming 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah, thank you. What a beautiful response. I doubt I will ever be quite as eloquent 😉
      Being cared for by someone else does have a nice ring to it, I have to agree. But for now, I’ll be happy that there’s only me. 🙂
      Thanks again for your lovely comment! Much appreciated!

      Liked by 1 person

    2. My thoughts exactly although put on paper much nicer than I could have. First lover and eventually husband for a short time before he found others, my second lover for a little longer before he began to roam, my third lover for a little longer and then again he began to roam, what is it with men, and I thought, this is it, with all three. Now my life is on the back side no one to love, but always wondering was it better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. That always remains the question – ‘better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all’ – I am still trying to figure out the answer. If I manage to come up with one, I’ll let you know 😉

        Like

      2. My question indeed!

        Lately I’ve found myself flipping back and forth between wanting a significant other and being happy that I don’t have one. I guess I’ve come a long way from not wanting one at all, given the ordeal of abuse I recently endured at the hands of my spouse.

        I’ve had so many bad relationships that I find myself wondering if the hassle of starting all over again is even worth it. Especially as I’m finding my own footing without anyone else’s help. The feeling is quite liberating.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s