I have decided I must be a romantic at heart. Because if anyone should have been ‘put off’ by love, it’s me.
I’ve had all kinds – but never the mythical movie romance.
Although, to be fair, I know a few people who have something close to that myth. I’m just not one of them. I fear I may have been ‘put off’, although somewhere deep inside the walls of my heart, I suspect the desire still lurks.
My mind is good at chasing that ‘lurker’ even deeper into those walls.
It reminds me of the time I dated the perfect guy, only to find he was not only a cheater, but that he looked better in heels and a mini-skirt than I did.
It reminds me of the guy who couldn’t read, and thought that ‘rules’ said ‘ribs’, and made sure a good few were broken.
It reminds me of the family destroying cash flow problem that comes when you get involved with someone with a serious gambling addiction.
It reminds me of the doctor who had a prescription drug problem, and the farmer who needed rehab for his drinking.
But more importantly, it reminds of who I am now. It reminds me that although I don’t have a handle on the whole low self-esteem thing, I now have the knowledge that I am still worth SOMETHING more than to be treated like less.
It reminds me that I am actually happy enough in myself to not NEED to be defined by someone else.
It reminds me that I have matured – and all of a sudden, in my late thirties – I am actually quite content with my life, my kids, my dog.
Do I wish for love again? I guess I do. It might still be nice to find the man who was created with a hand that has fingers made to fit perfectly in between mine.
But older, wiser, and a better judge of character, I fear he will be a needle in a haystack…and with my failing eyesight I’m just not sure!