emotionally easy and ghosting

“Sometimes you just have to stay silent because no words can explain
what is going on in your mind and heart.”
— Author Unknown

Some people struggle to explain the magnitude of emotions they are feeling, and think it is a pointless exercise.
I have always been classed as ‘not one of those people’. I guess you could say that when it comes to emotion, I’m easy.
Whether I am struggling with negative emotion, or bouncing off the walls in a state of positive euphoria, you will know. Because I will tell you. I’m honest that way.
And even when I have ‘no words’ ….given the opportunity, I will share many – not that my insights are always of great value. And despite the emotional verbal easiness, I don’t have to have the last word. But I also just don’t believe in silence.
How can I say care about, and have a passion for people, and yet not talk to them, hear them, communicate with them, be honest with them? Needless to say, ‘the silent treatment’ has never gone down well with me.

And so this new trend of ‘ghosting’ deeply concerns me.
Yet another breakdown in society – another replacement for the moral value of honesty.

Ghosting / giving someone the cold shoulder and silent treatment is not a new phenomenon. But the regularity and recent trendiness of it is – and although the association seems to be mostly within the online dating community, it’s filtering into everyday life too. And it’s doing a lot of damage. It doesn’t just end there – apparently there is also ‘soft ghosting’. This is where you don’t just sever contact completely – you give them the odd thumbs up, or like on a Facebook post or tweet – keep them hanging on a thread, perhaps?
(I have to mention here that cutting someone off after repeatedly communicating your reasons for not wanting to have them in your life is not considered ghosting.)
So here’s my emotionally easy view on the concept of ghosting, soft or not :

The above comes from the Urban Dictionary.
Another definition can be found at The Free Dictionary : Do not misbehave if you are unprepared or unwilling to accept the punishment. 

Online dating is not misbehaving (not generally 😛 ) and neither is the attempt at cultivating friendships and/or relationships. However, playing with someone’s emotions and possibly destroying their already fragile self esteem is.

The desire to seek out a partner for life, or to make a new friend, is not a crime. But unfortunately it does come with consequences and it will take your time.

Because any relationship is hard work. Investment is key to making it a success – in all aspects. And emotional investment means opening yourself up to not only a wealth of positive feelings, but sometimes negative ones too.
I am fortunate to have a handful of friends who have walked my road with me for more than twenty years. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t moments where they may still disappoint me, or say something that hurts, or bruise my ego. Because we’re all human and we all have our moments. We wouldn’t still be friends though if I chose to just cut them off. Communication has been the key to opening the door to a lengthy and fulfilling friendship with each of them.

I was recently ghosted by a new friend. Even as I type, I still have absolutely no idea what it is that I did/said wrong. What I do know though is that this particular new friend, by her own admission and in her own words, once said to me, ”I think I am a little bit emotionally immature. And I just can’t do confrontation. So if something upsets me, I rather just completely ignore it and walk away.”

So her ghosting me has come as no surprise. And although I am a little hurt, and completely dumbfounded as to the reason why, I understand that the crux of the issue is hers, and not mine. And this is an important thing to understand when you have been ghosted : it’s probably not personal and thus you should not own it. This is not always a reflection of your character, but most times a reflection of theirs.

In a world where ghosting and soft ghosting is trending, would it not be great to start a new trend? A trend of communication and honesty. A trend that says, “I will deal with you, and I see you, and I will tell you, because you matter!”

Because, ladies and gentlemen, all lives matter. 

8 thoughts on “emotionally easy and ghosting

  1. Your post has brought a very disturbing aspect of online dating/friendships. It has happened to me a number of times and it’s so easy to say good bye or not even say it as you mentioned soft ghosting. Reading this post I realized even I have started doing that. Being ghosted so many times, a part of me has accepted it as normal and now even I ghost without feeling a slightest of guilt. You are right, totally, every life deserves respect. Thanks for being an eye opener. You may have simply wrriten this post to express how you felt about your friend ghosting but for me, it has brought a perspective. Loved it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Amber,
      Thank you for your comment. It was the way I felt when it happened to me from a ‘friend’, and after listening to my teenage daughter and her friends complaining about it the other day, that made me really begin to question the validity in it. I’ve actually chatted to a few people over the past few months who have had their own awful experiences with it too. It really does seem to be a trend these days. 😦 I like to still think of myself as young 😉 but I guess I have always been old school when it comes to respect, honesty and communication. We all make mistakes though, and sometimes the ghosting is unintentional. But I, like you, think it’s important for us to be more aware of this trending phenomenon and try and ‘be the change’ as much as possible.
      I am glad you loved my post. Looking forward to future interaction with you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I have to say that I agree with you and in many respects social media does not help the situation at all but I thought that I would share some of my thoughts on this as well. First of all as you have said we need to be more open and honest with each other although it can be very difficult given the way that we communicate today, text, email, emojis etc to put a kiss on the end or not, how do we begin and end a post or a comment, if for example I am commenting on a post on Facebook if it is a spiritual or religious type of post then I always use the emoji of the 2 hands in prayer and a heart, if it is someone who has commented on something that I have posted if they put a kiss at the end of their comment then I will also put a kiss at the end of my reply.
    I have also experienced ghosting and in many ways it does affect me but in others it doesn’t because I see social media has being a different aspect of life and the likelihood of meeting my friends or followers is very remote, although I have met one of my friends on a personal level but that is because she lives close to my home town and visits regularly and in fact she used to live in it.
    I admit that I would welcome the opportunity of meeting some people in person and I have an association with a Life Coach in America who I do some stuff for and it goes without saying that should you ever come to the UK and would be happy to meet my partner and I then I would be very happy to do that and if you were over at the time of the wedding then who knows.
    I think that the hardest thing today about the internet and the age of the mobile phone is that we are expected by everyone to be available 24 hours a day 7 days a week and if we don’t almost reply instantly people become offended or think that they have done something wrong. The other issue is the way that we read or see things that may give us the wrong impression and rather than asking the question we cut people off.
    I think as well that it is very difficult to manage people’s expectations when you communicate through a non verbal platform after all no one knows what is going on in your life at the time, how busy you are or what is worrying you or even whether you can speak at the time or not.
    I do agree however that it is not a fair practice and that people do have feelings and emotions and manage them very differently and young people in particular may be more vulnerable than I am for example.
    How do I deal with this so difficult an issue there was a caption going around Facebook recently that said that if you had to text someone 3 times or more then they were not that interested in you and I have to say that I agree with that philosophy in many respects, time is too precious a commodity to waste on people who don’t want to know you. This is how I deal with my Facebook account every so often I review my friends list and the groups and pages that I associate with and I almost declutter, anyone that hasn’t interacted with anything that I have posted over say a 3 month period I unfriend and block, I do this because If I post say 50 posts or captions in a week and they haven’t liked or commented or shared anything and I have not seen any of their posts then I unfriend and block them.
    If I haven’t visited a page in a number of posts or a group in a number of months I would do the same.

    An issue though that I am experiencing more than ghosting is that of scamming and this is happening everywhere, I use Fitbit and got a friend request of someone and they sent me a quick Hi handsome, well at least they have got good eyesight lol the next was it is my birthday next week what are you going to buy me, I like LV shoes oh and seeing that we are such good friends I need to fly from the US to the UK for a works thing but work are not paying for the ticket or hotel so could I please help and she would make it worth my while lol – told Kath,showed her the conversations and blocked.
    The one that is doing the rounds at the moment that I have heard about and experienced is can we talk on hangouts or whatsapp – I say no because I don’t want to and then its can you help me – An Amazon gift card, a google store play card and someone’s groceries for the week now I am fortunate that I don’t have a massive bank account and I am not that vulnerable or gullible but I am sure that there are some people out there who would fall for this hook line and sinker.
    Social media companies I believe have to do more to protect the people who use them better than they do now.
    In the meantime connections are not made instantly and neither are relationships, they require time, nurturing and understanding as well as a willingness to open up and sometimes that may mean opening yourself up to criticism even in some cases abuse or harassment or bullying non of which I condone in any way shape or form.
    To develop a meaningful relationship with anyone I think that you should be respectful of the other person and situation, if they say that they do not like something then don’t do it for example ending with a kiss at the end of a message., be open and honest but also have clearly defined boundaries, this is harder to do when you are looking at the internet being the means of communications, expect the unexpected in many ways, be patient in waiting for a reply or reaction, and follow my golden rule which is if something doesn’t feel right then it probably isn’t.
    These are just my own thoughts and feelings on a very difficult subject and I admire you for writing it, I have to admit that the content that you write about deals with some very sensitive issues and I wondered where you get your inspiration from.
    I have now done 10 posts and I have generally used things from my past but you cannot do that forever I suppose but I do enjoy reading the things that you write and I like the mix of seriousness in the message but the humour as well, unfortunately humour is not something that I really have, I tend to be more logical and analytical as well as serious in everything that I do and I tend to be an all or nothing person but that is just a little bit more about me although I have opened up in the blog that I have just done.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your thoughts and comments are appreciated, and there’s a lot of merit in what you have said. Scamming is a huge problem, and although social media platforms need to get a handle on this, I also don’t hold them entirely accountable. The internet has blown up to such an extent that I don’t think there IS a way to protect everyone all the time, other than cocooning and protecting yourself by having NO internet 😛
      I would love to meet everyone in person. It will probably not happen, but it’s a wonderful thought and dream 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I too don’t hold them totally responsible and you are absolutely right in terms of the Internet taking off and today it seems to be the preferred method of contact by a lot of companies and certainly banks and financial institutions seem to want their account holders to use the Internet and apps
        I think that something that social media platforms could do to protect their users would be to provide details of the people who have viewed their profiles so that the individual can decide what to do to protect themselves. I have actually experienced this problem when my ex wife after I left her stalked me for a few months and I only found out because she sent a friend request to someone who I had become friends with since leaving her. I had blocked my ex wife and her family members and she created another account and I didn’t even know.
        This I think is possibly a more important thing than both ghosting and scamming and if someone is prepared to constantly check on someone’s activity then I think that this is quite a dangerous thing for everyone to consider because you can only block someone who you know or who has made some contact with you or someone you know 🤔😔
        I too would love to meet everyone in person and I agree with you about it probably not happening, but you are right about it being a wonderful thought and dream 😊😊. It may also be a massive disappointment of course 🤣🤣

        Liked by 1 person

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