Wolf Food

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When it comes to music, books, films, series I am a multi-genre kind of girl. But am I really? It’s easy to get confused, because while I enjoy a bit of everything, there are some areas where I can be quite specific. For example, I generally don’t read romance. I can’t say I spent too much time on comedy either, which is strange because I am an always smiling, love to laugh, kind of person. I don’t do horror.

The funny thing is that when I was younger I thoroughly enjoyed all those things. Perhaps I overdid them? Or maybe as I have matured I have simply outgrown them? Whatever the reason, it’s immaterial, so it’s not something I spend a lot of time thinking about.

But if I had to choose my favourite genre – my favourite types of things to read and watch? They’d be murder mysteries, anything to do with crime, thrillers, psychological thrillers etc. My dad was a big influence – and my dear old Granny with whom I spent a lot of time as a child, watching many an episode of Murder, She Wrote.

Last week I got a message from a good friend, telling me that she had finished a really great series that was intriguing, mysterious and exciting – and IΒ just had to watch it too. (She did also mention that her partner hadΒ not enjoyed it, and had told her that he didn’t think it would be something I would enjoy either. But, what does he know anyway? πŸ˜› )

Where am I going with this? It’s been a rough seven days. I’ve had a few moments where one could almost say I have behaved a bit out of character – and I have felt unsettled and unusually anxious. I’ve allowed things to bother me that usually wouldn’t, and I have struggled a bit with staying focused. It was almost like the ‘peace’ of my mind had been disturbed.

And you know how ‘you know something‘?
How afterwards you could kick yourself because the answer was so simple and it’s something you know so well, and yet it eluded you?Β 

At lunchtime yesterday, upon further reflection of the past seven days, it came to me and it all finally made sense.

Let’s go back to the suggested series by my good friend.Β I am not going to name it, because maybe some of you out there have thoroughly enjoyed it. To name it may cause offence, and that’s not what this post is about.

Needless to say, I didn’t.

Now usually, when someone recommends something to me, I do a little research first. This time I failed miserably. Without giving a thought to first checking it out, I happily settled in last Friday evening to start watching.
I have a very strong stomach, which was something that I actually only fully developed while working for a doctor – you can’t have a queasy stomach and assist with procedures and clean up afterwards.
And I am not a person who is easily affected by a lot of things – which may be due to desensitisation for a variety of reasons.

But those first two episodes literally made me feel ill to my stomach. This wasΒ nothing like what I enjoy watching and I almost messaged my good friend to ask if she was sure she had recommended it to the right person. I don’t see how it is as popular as it is because it is just so wrong on every level – but then again, considering the world we live in – that may be the very reason why. (Although a few reviewsΒ did say that the individual was disappointed in themselves for wasting their time on it.)

The problem is that on Saturday evening, and every evening thereafter until Wednesday, I watched another two episodes. Because the only kind, decent and beautiful thing about it had captured my attention and I wanted to know more aboutΒ her. She was scarce though and so I had to sit through all the other rubbish.

If you don’t already know what negative character traits are, you’d be able to find them all in this series. Its filled to capacity with manipulation, dishonesty, disrespect, greediness, evil, aggression, hostility, violence, jealousy – and it throws in gore and disgusting displays of sexual acts just for good (bad) measure.

Now when I say I ”watched”, you need to understand I spent more than half the time only listening. (in the privacy of my bedroom with earphones in – I have an impressionable teenage girl) My son came in once and walked around to pet our dogs and saw the screen. It was during a particularly violent and gruesome part, which I wasn’t watching. I paused it, and his reaction was, “Flip Mom, what the heck are you watching?” To which I replied that I wasn’t going to tell him because it was absolutely awful and I didn’t want him watching it. He’s 21. That should have tipped me off to whatΒ I was doing.

So here’s the point : Garbage in, garbage out.

IΒ often refer to this story… it needs repeating today….

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. β€œA fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.Β β€œIt is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, β€œThe other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.Β The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, β€œWhich wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, β€œThe one you feed.”

My behaviour, and the unsettling and anxious feelings within me have been my own doing. I have been feeding the wrong wolf. I have been going against the core values I treasure and live by – and allowing the balance in my life to shift in a way that has been detrimental to my person, to my soul.

Sometimes it happens so subtly that it takes deep reflection to find out where we’re going wrong. This was a giant hammer hitting me on the head and it still took me too long to figure it out. I’m just glad I did.

Onward and Upward!

(And I guess my friends partner knows me better than we thought πŸ˜› )

20 thoughts on “Wolf Food

  1. I read your post my friend and I am so sorry that I didn’t pick up on how you have been feeling because overall your posts have been reasonably upbeat apart from the one that you deleted and as you talk about life it is a series of ups and downs and twists and turns but it is so easy as you have said to become distracted or easily led down a path that you don’t want to follow.
    Today with social media, the internet and even digital tv it is really difficult to stay in tune with your values, for example if you have Sky their are some film classifications that just don’t make sense, films with sex, violence, disturbing scenes etc have a 12 – 15 classification. Television programmes are becoming more lurid and at early times in the day you may see people leading a prospective partner to the bedroom at 7 o’clock in the evening or homosexual and lesbian couples openly kissing etc.
    It is not necessarily that we become desensitised but we are constantly battling against society and what is now considered the norm.
    Christianity is facing the biggest challenges in a long time and I know that it will win but we have a lot of difficult times to go through.
    I have a 30 question questionnaire on life which I use at times to monitor where I am in terms of my values and goals but I am having an internal conflict at present because of the voluntary work that I do
    In many ways currently I do not feel fulfilled in the role and have been stressed out about it and even had a couple of months away from it, but having gone back a couple of weeks ago I find now that I am struggling once more but I don’t want to let anyone down or feel a failure so I fight through it, however I know that it does not always work and if I am honest I know that I should now call it a day but I know that I probably wont, however this does not help me to have peace of mind or look at other options that may be open to me.
    I hope that you are able to get back on track and if I can do anything to help then please let me know.
    If you would like to connect on Facebook I can be found on Facebook under the name of Paul Oliver Guisbourne-Hilton.
    The questionnaire that I mentioned is the 30 questions of Self Discovery xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your insights, Paul.
      And I am fine thank you πŸ˜‰ It affected me, and my reactions, and living out of alignment with my values made me someone I am not – but it didn’t change my whole character πŸ™‚ This post is just a reminder of how quickly it can happen and cause a sense of disquiet within us. It’s better to nip things in the bud when we do see them πŸ˜‰
      Much love to you and Kath x

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I know exactly how that feels, and I think that on the whole within society their has been a seismic shift from being personality led to being character led.
        Dale Carnegie who wrote the book How to win friends and influence people, suggests that you can manipulate people into liking you by taking an interest in them and their hobbies but it is very superficial and would waver with the changing of the seasons.
        Stephen R Covey in his book The 7 habits of highly effective people, talks about roles, values, belief systems and the developing of character and many other writers today talk about this.
        We can develop good habits and character traits if we believe strongly enough and are willing to take the journey, it is however sometimes painful, very emotional and requires effort, but I know that it is worthwhile.
        I am grateful though that it didn’t change your whole character and that you have realigned yourself and hope that you can now move on to a new day.
        It can sometimes be difficult because sometimes people can become a source of disquiet within and almost put pressure upon us to go against the things that we value or believe in, I had this happen to me when I first met Kath and we started going to a local bar to play pool, I don’t drink alcohol and haven’t done now for 22 years, we got friendly with someone who was and is an alcoholic by his own admission and he used to say that he couldn’t believe that someone could change.
        Every time we saw him we had the same conversation and it went something like this, Him – “Hi mate, what would you like to drink”?
        ,Me – “Lime cordial and soda”
        Him – ” If I bought you a Whisky you would have to drink it otherwise you would offend me”
        Me – “If you bought me a Whisky, I would be deeply offended and I would end our association”
        Him to Kath – “Can’t you get him to have just 1 drink with us”?
        Kath – “Why should I?, and I am very proud of him as he is and love him all the more for it”
        This exchange went on for many months each and every day and I sometimes thought either about not going into that bar or even at one point just having that 1 drink but then I would not have been true to myself and felt very disappointed in myself.

        I was thinking about your username on here and I think that it sums up your character very well and is very apt for you and I will explain why, When I think of No passing fancy a a term, I think of someone with a strong sense of self, someone who knows their worth and has self respect and confidence in themselves who knows how they want to be treated and values themselves.
        Someone who is strong and at ease with themselves and would not settle for second best in life.
        This is just my opinion and I hope that it does not offend you. xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you for all of this. So much truth and value to what you have said.
        Yes, sometimes people manipulate others by taking an interest as a means of getting something out of the person they are feigning interest in. Our character will very soon reveal the truth of this. I don’t take an interest in anyone to manipulate. My heart is truly for people.
        Thank you for your kind words regarding your views on ‘who I am’. It’s very much appreciated and I am not offended. You might want to acknowledge some of my failings too though because you’re making me seem a little too perfect πŸ˜›

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      3. Good morning my dear friend,
        I was just thinking about how to reply to your comment especially with regards to acknowledging your failings but it is really a difficult thing to do in terms of an online friendship the reason being is that you see the person in the way that they present themselves 😊
        You present yourself as being very capable, independent, self assured and passionate about life and helping people πŸ€—
        What isn’t their to like in a person like that ❀️
        I think that if anything I would say that you may be a little too hard on yourself in terms of your appearance after all you are a very attractive young woman who has a lot to offer πŸ€—πŸ˜Š
        I hope that you have a safe weekend and that your daughter does well in her dance exams πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜ŠπŸ™

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You present your failings very well by your honesty but it depends upon how people view your writing.
    I for example feel that I tend to focus more upon my failings than successes and often don’t even see what other people see in me but I think that maybe because I have listened to so many people who have said that I would amount to nothing so in many ways I don’t see my successes and strengths as being anything to feel proud about.
    I just view me as being me and fighting to survive against all the odds. πŸ˜ŠπŸ™

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s all how you view success though…and so sometimes we need to see where it’s coming from. I’m successful in a lot of ways…but not the ways some people measure success πŸ˜‰
      Paul, you have many strengths. And there’s plenty of great things about you. So just keep doing what you’re doing. πŸ˜‰ Your encouragement truly is a gift….as is your story. You’ve come so far and you can be proud. Keep smiling, my friend. 😊

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      1. Thank you so much for your kind words, support and encouragement and I agree with you about success and how we view it. 😊
        I am in the process of working through the 7 habits once more but looking to do it with the view of developing my mission statement and in particular my legacy after all we all want to be recognised for something and I personally want to be recognised as being someone who helps and inspires others and who really cares about others. πŸ€—
        My Grandfather who played a big part in my early childhood taught me many things about how to treat others and always said that if you can’t say anything nice about someone say nothing, he used to wear a trilby and I had a real problem parting with it after his death and infact I used to wear it, fortunately back then I had really bushy blonde hair πŸ˜‚ so it helped with the fit πŸ˜‚ but I remember him doffing his hat to everyone he passed especially ladies and he would stand as upright as he could and bow his head when a funeral was passing, I asked him once why he did this when he didn’t know the person or the family and his reply was to show his respects not necessarily to the family but the respect of a life lived.
        He taught me so much but after his death I had to harden myself because of our family dynamics and the battles that occurred because of me and my life.
        I then went into addiction with alcohol being my drug of choice and this in turn dulled my emotions and took me into a time of absolute selfishness and I guess that was why my first marriage failed so miserably and I accept full and complete responsibility for that because I cannot do anything but accept it, my actions destroyed our marriage and ruined my relationship with my 2 daughters who are both now grown up although I am building up a relationship with my eldest daughter but my youngest daughter wouldn’t even recognise me I don’t think πŸ€”.
        I have a lot to be grateful for though and I am happy overall with the way that my life is going although I recognise that I have to learn to say no and also live true to my values and beliefs but more importantly I need to bring my life back into balance. πŸ€”πŸ˜€

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      2. He was the absolute best and always had time for everyone although I am very biased. He died shortly before my 11th birthday πŸŽ‚ and it really hit me hard but it was also when the family fell apart and I felt so much to blame for it because it was all about me and what everyone could get from me being where and who I was 😒
        I spent a lot of years feeling like a pawn in a chess game with everyone wanting what they could get out of me or my situation 😒😒

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  3. I too am really thankful it was a really difficult childhood for me with the feeling that the only person who really cared was the one who was taken away from me.
    I was actually thinking of doing my next blog post about my early childhood years along with some of the memories both good and bad but I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or feel pity, my childhood was what it was but one thing I have learnt is that we all experience joy and sadness throughout our childhood because others are in control and hopefully they act in our best interests but that is not always the case 😊
    I just hope that I make a better person than I was raised to be especially in the years after my Grandfather’s death πŸ˜‰

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      1. Thank you so much πŸ˜‰
        I have taken the 2 tests and I appreciate touch also but I am not too surprised about that as I am a very tactile person maybe again because it was something that I didn’t really experience much in my childhood 😊
        In terms of the apology profile my top answer was expressing regret followed by accepting responsibility 😊😊
        Hope that everything is going well with your weekend 😊

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