You’re going to be fine

Unfortunately, this morning I can identify with this so much – thanks Facebook πŸ˜› – (although please know that this is not a ‘downer’ post)….

Yes… Meg is having a moment of sadness, with a temporary heaviness in her spirit… and I know that many of you may identify with this too, and that the rest of you will love me anyway πŸ˜›

I am sharing this, not because I want a sympathy vote, but because I really do try my best to be honest and transparent – I find that in doing so, it helps others too.

I’ll no doubt be back with some inspiring and motivating words soon πŸ˜‰

For now I will simply say this :

I still stand by one of my favourite phrases : ”In the end, it will all be okay. And if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.”

It really doesn’t feel like it. But I still believe it. And I will keep believing it.

There IS always hope. And while I wait for sunshine, I will find a way to dance in the rain. Because life is always beautiful.

Please remember that you, too, are allowed to have your moment. My wish for you is that in that moment, someone will love you, and remind you that there is still hope.

Take courage, my friends. And if you’re reading this in your moment, please accept a virtual hug from me ❀ (you can even have a virtual hug if you’re not in a moment πŸ˜‰ )

Storm – free?

I don’t know about you, but I often find myself thinking, ”It really shouldn’t be THIS hard!’

And in the next breath, I find myself singing, ”Oh well….. LIFE IS LIFE!”
There is a line in that song that says, ”Life is life, come on stand up and dance‘.

This morning, I shared the above picture on my Facebook profile, and an old school friend of mine commented,
”True, Megs. I hope you’re having a season of rainbows and sunshine.”

My reply to her was this :

“Here’s hoping the same for you… and if not? Well… we both know how to dance in the rain, rightΒ πŸ˜‰Β The storms of life come with a vengeance… but we know that the sun is waiting to shine and so we can still smileΒ πŸ€—πŸ’œ

Like me, she has weathered some heavy storms. They were different to mine, but tough all the same. Life has taken her and I on very different journeys, and even though our outcomes have been different, there are still ways that we think the same. Hence my comment.

And here’s the thing….

These are not just words for me. It is who I am, and what I truly believe.
YES! I get overwhelmed, and I sometimes feel discouraged. Yes, I have bad days, where my heart feels sad. And although I will always be honest about my FEELINGS and you will know that I am struggling, I have realised that my BELIEF/HOPE and my ATTITUDE are the two most important things in the equation of life.
The belief has not come easily. I have had to work hard to change my attitude, I have had to sacrifice some things, and I have had to choose a different mindset and lifestyle.
These beautiful words that I find myself so often speaking? They’re not just to impress.
They come from a heart that has experienced trauma and deep hurt, that has every excuse to be bitter and angry.
They come from a soul that is so scarred that surely it can no longer be considered pretty?
They come from a body that is physically damaged and hurts more often than not.

But even in the darkness, when the storms keep coming…
MY heart, soul, and body CHOOSE to find a way to dance in the rain… and wait for the sun… and I can smile because I know that even in the midst of the storms there is ALWAYS a reprieve and a quick burst of sunshine to keep me going, if I choose to see it.

Please come and dance in the rain with me… and let’s keep sharing our smiles with the world ❀

butterflies

Nope. I am not experiencing the flutter of excitement that comes with a new love interest.
Sorry. Not sorry πŸ˜›

But I learned something new today, and you’re probably going to laugh when I tell you what I have learned because it’s quite possible that you already know. It fascinated me though, and added to my perspective on butterflies and humans πŸ˜‰

First though, I want to share some of my favourite butterfly quotes :

There are two ‘things’ that I absolutely love. Butterflies… and the colour purple. My friends often comment how easy it is to pick out a gift for me – if they can’t find anything with a butterfly on it, then they just buy something purple. Anything purple! πŸ˜› My dad gave me the best thing I have in my kitchen – a clingfilm hard plastic holder…. IT’S PURPLE πŸ˜›
If I ever got to immigrate, it would be packed in my suitcase! πŸ˜‰

When it comes to butterflies, and likening them to humans, I usually say this :

A caterpillar gets one chance. There is one process of change. And then it goes from being what some consider ‘ugly’ to a creature of great beauty. In that process of change, the caterpillar thinks its life is over, and yet its life is just beginning again… giving it wings to soar.
And I have told more than one person how grateful I am that we get those processes and opportunities to change and become more beautiful MORE THAN ONCE in our lifetimes! That sometimes to us, when we are in a bad place or feeling down and depressed and anxious? Well, let’s admit it, we have actually all been there at some stage or another and the burden is heavy and we feel that life has no purpose, that this moment will never end, that there is no point and that true beauty will elude us forever. BUT THEN? Something blows on that tiny flame of hope within us that is still flickering, and it suddenly flickers a little stronger and we are able to carry on. How wonderful is that? We find ‘new wings’ and are able to soar once again.

What I learned this morning just added to what I have told more than one person!

I did not know that during the caterpillar’s process of becoming a butterfly, in the Chrysalis, the caterpillar ‘melts’ almost completely! :O It releases enzymes that literally digest nearly ALL of its OWN BODY!
So basically, it dissolves into a disgusting pile of gooey substance before it can transform into a beautiful butterfly!

My new addition (and takeaway from the process above) will be this :
So you think you’re having a meltdown? It’s okay! Let yourself FEEL it! Pull the covers over your head and hide if you need to. Take a little time.
Just don’t stay there too long! Remember to emerge!
You may still feel ‘sticky’.
Keep going!
But what if I fail?
Well, what if you fly? πŸ˜‰

flighty feelings

While my attitude always seems to lean towards positivity, my emotions do not. What I mean is that in any given day, I can experience moments across the entire spectrum of emotion – sadness, anger, guilt, happiness, hope, love, fear etc. Every. Day. There are moments. Some are very short lived – appropriate to just that moment. Some last a little longer.

Somebody commented a few months ago, when I shared the above with them, that there must be something wrong with me – an ’emotional ticking time bomb’ who is on a permanent emotional roller coaster. I considered what they said, decided there may be some truth to it, and added it to my ‘personal challenges list’- things I need to look into ‘fixing’ and changing. The list is now an A4 page, and I am not even halfway with crossing things off… so it might be a while before I address the comment they made πŸ˜›

BUT… (yes, there is always a but… πŸ˜› )

I happened upon an article this morning that reminded me of the notation on the bottom of the personal list that I am working my through. And it made me smile.

Now according to this article, which is apparently evidence based and well researched, I am actually psychologically sound (for the most part πŸ˜› ) because of this tendency to feel all these different emotions. Wait, what?!?!?!

And as I continued reading my smile got bigger and didn’t leave my face, and now my cheeks hurt πŸ˜›

Have you ever experienced a moment in time where something makes you ‘self assess’, and suddenly you realise that in that particular thing, your progress is very noticeable? Doesn’t it feel good? To be able to recognise an ‘error in your ways’ from your past/younger self, and get a full grasp on the way you have changed? FOR THE BETTER?

For me? It is one of the most amazing FEELINGS in the world, that is backed by evidence, bringing a very loud and affirmative fist bump in the air ‘YES!’ πŸ˜‰

Years ago, I got lost in my emotions. Half the time, I didn’t even know where they were coming from. For example, I’d wake up in the morning feeling angry – angry at myself, life, the world. And so that is how the rest of my day went. I never reflected on why I was feeling that way. I didn’t bother to try and change how I was feeling. And my actions and reactions for the rest of the day came from that place of anger.

Part of my personal growth journey has been to ‘get a handle on my emotions’. Not to harden my heart and not feel them, but to be more aware of them and WHY I am feeling them…. and to NOT base actions and reactions on the emotions themselves.

Trying to control emotions is actually futile – we are created to be beings that feel and so whether or not we want them, emotions are here to stay. But, for want of a better word (because some may be uncomfortable with this one) we could learn how to channel them. Like maybe letting our excitement about something motivate us, or allowing our guilt to spark change.

When it comes to attitude, we often see the word choice. Choosing to change a bad attitude, or the way we see things, for the better. In fact CHOICE pretty much sums up everything in life, right?
And for me personally? I have come to realise that it applies to my emotions as well.
I allow myself to feel them – but I also choose to not allow them to control my whole day. I pause for thought, try to determine what has triggered them, and find a way to use them to benefit a healthier me!

I don’t always get it right. I’m still working on identifying all my emotions, trying to understand them fully, managing them correctly and using them appropriately… but I am definitely MUCH closer to it than what I was a few years ago.

Hence the sore cheeks πŸ˜›

And who knows, perhaps some day I will graduate to ’emotional ninja’ status πŸ˜‰

Suddenly

Isn’t is amazing how quickly things can change?

On Wednesday, we were adjusting to the ‘return to school’ routine – very different to the usual school time routines, and not only because times had changed, but also from the perspective of the current pandemic and all the checks and sanitising, before and during school hours. Then of course, repeating it all upon returning home.

On Thursday evening, our President announced that schools would close again on Friday, for a month. My daughter got three days of ‘normalcy’, and then was thrown back into ‘stay at home’. I found myself singing Billy Ocean’s song ‘Suddenly‘, but of course only the word ‘Suddenly’ really applied.

I noticed the change in her after the announcement – like a switch had been flipped.Β 

She has been ‘fine’ throughout our situation here – despite not seeing anyone for more than 100 days (I believe our very strict lock down has been over 140 days now – crazy! That means it’s been that long since I have had any social time with my friends too! We’re not allowed to visit in each others homes – it’s against the law. BUT we can go to the casino together and expose ourselves there?!?!?!)
It’s been strange to have her coping so well, simply because she is the most social of the three of us. She is a teen girl who has always thrived being around others – definitely not an introvert by any means. It’s almost like she has always ‘fed off the energy of others’.
But two weeks ago, she had a melt down. She came to me, laughing about something, and I started laughing too – then all of a sudden, her face changed and she burst into tears.

I feared someone had said something to upset her – apparently not. Her words were, ”I don’t know what’s wrong. I think I am losing my mind. This lock down is making me crazy”. We spoke for a long while, and the upside for her was that in a week she would see people again, with the return to school. She was back to her bright, chatty, almost impossible ( πŸ˜› ) self when I fetched her that first day! The announcement had a huge impact.

A couple of months ago, she started with a strange breathing problem. I have stayed on the alert since then, checking for other symptoms, but it’s definitely not the virus. She would be breathing, big gasps almost, saying that it felt like that last little bit just wasn’t filling her lungs. Now… I get the same when I am too anxious… and I wondered if it was possible that she was now anxious because of the current situation.
I had to take her to the doctor for her shoulder on Friday. She did something to it during one of her Zoom dancing classes. Apparently the trapezius muscle is in spasm and is strained – I told her ‘I knew you were too funny’, and then had to explain – trapeze = circus = clown. It’s a running joke in our house how she misses the humor – and yes, she laughs about it too!
SO… while we were at the doctor, I explained about her breathing. He checked her oxygen levels, which were 99%!!!! And listened to her chest – no issues there. Then he asked her a few questions, and yes, it’s anxiety. He gave her a few tips, and suggested a proven, herbal pill to help her cope.

I found myself humming ‘Suddenly’ on the way home… and actually disappeared to my room to listen to it when we got home. And I found something in there for her, and I, and the anxiety and pandemic, ha ha ha! It’s funny how our brains operate, and find things in the strangest of places – like finding inspiration and a sense of peace in a love song, to apply to something that has nothing to do with romantic love πŸ˜›

(And please don’t get me wrong, this does not come from a ‘place of perfection’. I have not achieved the ultimate 24 hour peace and happiness, as such. I still have moments where I am tearful, or angry. I still struggle sometimes to make sense of it all, and it affects the way I am feeling. Sometimes it only lasts an hour, sometimes it lasts a day. But then I retake the stock in my attitude and emotions, and make a come back πŸ˜‰ Seeing the effects manifest in my beautiful teenage ‘baby girl’ hurt me deeply, and I was sad – and angry – about it on Friday, for a good few hours.)

I let her listen to the song – and after that she kind of rolled her eyes and said, ”MOM! That’s a love song!!!! How does that help me?”
The gist of what followed was this :

Suddenly, in this pandemic, life has new meaning – although some would say there is just no meaning at all. We look at what is happening in our country, and the rules and regulations that make absolutely no sense, and there is little meaning in it all.Β 
We cannot control anything that is happening around us and to us as a result.Β 
But we still have our own feelings, perspectives, attitudes – which we can control.Β 

As bad and sad as we may feel, we need to remember that there is still beauty in this world, and in our lives. Our vision is blurred by the situation and circumstances, and so we need to make an effort to seek it out, and we’ll find it. It may be in something small, but it’s better than nothing at all. It’s in the things we forget to take notice of – the silly things sometimes too. There may be little about the pandemic to love, but there is still much about ourselves and our lives that weΒ can love.Β 

She was quiet for a few minutes, and then she started laughing. I gave her my raised eyebrow / questioning look, and she answered me πŸ˜‰
”Well, I don’t have to see Jared and have awkward moments for another month (he’s her ‘ex boyfriend’); and I can shower and put on a new pair of pj’s when I don’t have dancing; and I can still video call with my friends and not have to stop myself from randomly hugging them.” Yesterday, she came through to my room laughing, because her and her two best friends had come up with four other advantages to the current situation.

Here’s hoping that we all find the parts of life that we can love, despite the circumstances. That we notice the beauty in our current stressful and unusual situations. And that when we find that we are lacking in reasons to laugh, that we find the courage to be honest, and reach out, and ask our friends and family to help us to.Β 

 

A long version of dire straits

THIS IS NOT MY USUAL TYPE OF BLOG POST – and yet in it you will find the pieces of me that tie up with previous posts. I am apologising BEFORE you read it for the raw emotions that will come across as negative – but there are snippets of positivity and lessons to be learned in reading it. Thank you for taking the time ❀

I’ve been struggling. There, I said it.
I didn’t realise how bad it was until I bumped into an acquaintance on Friday who asked me how the New Year has been treating me so far, and my eyes welled up with tears in response. I swallowed a lump in my throat and shrugged. I don’t know who was more embarrassed, him or me. I do know that when I threw the question back at him, I found myself in a situation yet again where I was the counsellor. Half an hour later we parted, him saying how grateful he was to have bumped into me and how much better he was feeling. I paid for my purchases, got in my car, and cried the whole way home.

This entire blog post will seem like a senseless contradiction – but there are moments where we just have to share what we’re going through and so that is what this is.
Because guess what? You are never going through anything alone.
I have no doubt in my mind that someone out there who reads this is probably in the same place as I am, but with different circumstances.

I read a blog post last week where someone listed their reasons for being depressed. I commented about them all being quite valid and I loved the response :Β ” I’m all for positive thinking and all that, but also believe in fully feeling and expressing our emotions so they don’t fester.”

It’s no surprise that the picture below is one that I agree with completely :

sauces-girl-liked-ash-lsamiaella-dont-invalidate-peoples-struggles-42350310

Photo credit : onsizzle.com

I am WELL AWARE that things could be worse. I KNOW we could be suffering more. And hearing/reading about other situations and circumstances certainly makes me grateful if I am not facing the same – but just because my struggle is ‘less’, doesn’t mean that the hurt, anger and frustration that I feel has no validity. It also doesn’t mean that no one else can rely on me to be there for them and help them through their struggles.

I DO take time to self care, and just be. And I don’t know quite how to explain this next part, other than that this is my purpose – for some reason, even in my pain and tears, I will always make a way and be strong for those who need help. Yes, it’s a momentary distraction from my own circumstances, but that isn’t why I do it. And the strength to do it is not mine. My friends know better than to say to me, ”I didn’t want to ask you because I know you have a lot going on.”
Yes, I have boundaries. And thereΒ have been times where I have had to say to them, ”I’m sorry, I just can’t.” My levels of endurance are far too great though – and as much as I fight discussing religion and politics because of the damage that has been done to so many due to both, I KNOW that my help comes from above.

Recent events have left my faith feeling somewhat shaken – but unlike James Bond (shaken NOT stirred), something within me has stirred too.Β 

To be completely honest, things are looking grim. But I’m NOT giving in!

To outline some of the circumstances surrounding these things, I screenshotted a dear friend’s shared Facebook post – she is one of the most positive people I know, and very seldom dwells on the negativity of our country as it stands right now.

SAA is our airline. Eskom is our sole electricity provider. SABC is our broadcasting commission. Transnet is the custodian of ports, rail and pipelines.
The Eastern Cape is hit the hardest by all of the above – and that’s where I live.

With major infrastructure falling apart, it is no surprise that the effects are being felt astronomically by small business. There are no jobs available – the ones that are advertised have to select 1 employee from over 180 applications. Employers are offering very low salaries and wages because they know how desperate people are.
Here, if you work for one hour at minimum wage, you will be considered fortunate to be able to use that one hour’s wage to purchase one loaf of bread and one litre of milk.

I have lost four people in these 27 days of January to suicide – the reason being financial.

There has been a recent outbreak of a terrible stomach bug here – people have been hospitalised, and I believe that in the rural areas there have been deaths. It’s no surprise when you see my town’s main water supply – and consider the amount of chemicals that need to be added to make it run clear in the taps (pic from November last year)

3

My children and I DO NOT drink tap water – which means we have to PAY for drinking water. And the three of us are water babies when it comes to drinking preferences (as well as coffee for me).

If it wasn’t for my brother, the children and I would have starved to death by now.

But all doors are closing, fast.

Small business closed. 😦 No jobs available. The chain of payment for services rendered is completely broken – A didn’t pay B, so B couldn’t pay C, so C couldn’t pay D, so D closed its doors – which left E, F, G completely stranded etc.

I have extensively researched moving overseas. Those doors are all closed too. I cannot go anywhere without securing employment first – a company that will petition their government/immigration procedures and possibly give me a chance to be approved. The list of candidates and people doing their utmost to follow this route is extensive, to say the least. Their advantages? They are gainfully employed and have some sort of university degree behind them.

I didn’t get a university degree because I fell pregnant, and after being abandoned by the father, I chose to keep my baby. I then chose to get married. Youth, and the struggle of being a mother and a wife and working full time blurred my vision. As did the after effects of abuse. I should have done more. I take full responsibility for that, and understand that my complacency in the years that counted is the reason I am where I am now.

Stuck. Stressed. Frustrated. Angry with myself. Hurting. Sad.

I can’t afford to study now. And with our education system being what it is, there is a very real fear that in the three years it will take, any degree issued here will be worthless anyway.
I am deeply concerned for my son. He finishes his degree in July. There are NO JOBS. Many young people finished their degrees two years ago (I know three personally) and are still without employment. My only hope is that HIS degree will somehow be enough to open an overseas door for him – but he doesn’t want to leave us behind. There is merit in that – but at the same time, I need him to at least have a future.
(I’ll admit that recently I felt more pro New Zealand, for the simple fact that we could all go together – his age would allow him to still fall under me, 24 being the cut off. He can’t go with me, as my dependent, anywhere else. I don’t want to leave him behind either.)

My daughter has been selected for two dancing competitions this year – qualifiers for world championships. My mind is racing with regards to fundraising – I cannot carry costs and will not ask my brother – he does enough. And in the back of my mind there is that voice screaming, ‘how will you fundraise when people have nothing to give’. Impossible.

I’ve looked extensively at further study – diploma wise – with overseas correspondence institutions. I even went so far as to first search the possible industries and fields of jobs available to me in the US and the UK, and then find qualifications relating to those. The financial implications make all of this impossible.

There is a saying something along the lines of this : ‘Sometimes when one door closes, we are so busy staring at the closed door, that we miss the window that has opened.’

And based on the recent reblogged post, how dare I limit God???!!!

My mind is reeling – and I am trying to make sense of it all. Last night, I was just quiet. A meditation of sorts. But there has been no great revelation – I do know though that good things take time πŸ˜‰

And for now we have food to eat and a roof over our heads – something NOT to be taken lightly in our country at this time.

It’s all hopeless. It’s all impossible. It’s all every negative emotion that you can possibly think of.

BUT

While I have no control over the circumstances and all economic indicators show that it is indeed looking dire, and hopeless – I have control of me. I may be a walking contradiction at this time, because I FEEL hopeless – and yet, I remain the prisoner of that beautiful word : H O P E. I want so desperately to just give up, because I really am exhausted. BUT I CAN’T. And not just because I have two beautiful ”children”. It’s just not in me. My spirit refuses. It simply will NOT.

The negative emotions are screaming loudly at me at the impossibility of it all. The choices I made in my youth, and as a defiance to everything I probably knew because of hurt and abuse that once again were not in my control, add fuel to the fire of those emotions, screaming belittlement and blame on me – leaving me feeling guilty and downtrodden.

But every tear, and every pain in my heart (and yes, it is almost a physical heart pain), whisper to me : It IS possible, there IS hope, keep going. You’ve come too far to give up now.Β 

And so, dear reader, do not doubt… I may FEEL that I want to give up.

But I won’t.

optimist-someone-who-figures-that-taking-a-step-backward-after-taking-a-step-forward-is-not-a-disaster-its-more-like-a-cha-cha

Photo credit : Facebook

 

I’m going to look for my dancing shoes πŸ˜‰

Hearts Cry

A lengthy post.. but worth a read. Not all sunshine and happiness – sorry! I’ll do better next post!

 

7accabc5b3cc60fb680cf012f5dce6ccPhoto credit : coffeelovesme.com

I sure am trying… but yesterday, my morning wake up didn’t even allow for time to smell the coffee. Because there wasn’t any. For four hours. No electricity, and no water.

Further to Monday’s post, let me add this :

There is a schedule for loadshedding. Provided to us in an attempt to help us plan ahead. The electricity cuts fall into different stages. So for example, if Stage 2 has been implemented, you can check the schedule for your area and plan around the hours that you will be without electricity. It’s great – if and when it works.

Yesterday – Tuesday, (in case I don’t get this posted today) they jumped between stages without advising anyone, untilΒ after they had switched the electricity off. There was no time to prepare for it. So yesterday, in a space of 14 hours, we were without electricity for 8 of them!

For the first time ever (loadshedding has been happening on and off for many years now), there has been a stage 6 implemented. Things just got serious. Stage 6 means that 8 hours of the day without electricity needs to be expected.

What needs to be understood is this : the tension and total failure in this country is already at dangerous levels – loadshedding is adding to an already highly sensitive situation, and things are looking more than grim.

I always giggle when ‘foreigners’ are not aware of the state of things here. I don’t expect any of you to be. Speaking with family in the UK, and my ‘sister’ in the US, I am well aware that a lot of the time there is a media blackout of sorts with regards to most issues. And who wants to sit and troll through the awful crime and failures of government in other countries when their own areas are enough to deal with.

The other reason I am so ‘well educated’ with regards to other countries (other than the having family and a best friend living overseas) is that I do a lot of homework and research because if I ever get out of this country, I need to be well aware of where we are going, for my children’s sake.

I made a comment on someone else’s blog post, that I think is fitting to share here, and now. Please understand that I am under NO illusion that ‘the grass is greener on the other side’. EVERY country has its issues and nowhere is paradise – unless humans have never found it. But I will say that the severity of our issues is a lot less than what my family and friends overseas face. And this is factual – not just based on hearsay. The countries and places I have investigated are numerous – of course I always start with crime statistics and the types of crime committed. But I also do lengthy research in the form of reading their local online newspapers. It’s not all stored in my head…but I know where we wouldn’t go πŸ˜›

Getting back to that grass….

I saw a sign the other day, and I had to laugh. (Although it’s sad when you think of it…but there’s definitely a funny side to it.)
The sign said, “The grass is only greener where you water it.”
I didn’t laugh at the sign as such… I laughed because at the time I didn’t have any water in my taps. How am I supposed to water the grass? Another thought popped into my head… our water is contaminated a lot of the time and municipal advisories are to not drink the tap water in my area – so if thereΒ is water and I water the grass? Pfft.

As much as I research other places to live, I avoid our own news. I no longer watch it, and I refuse to buy a newspaper. Our local paper was giving away free copies a month back, and my son got one – and dumped it in the trash after the first three pages. His comment? “Not one good thing. And now I’m more scared.”
I have Facebook – and our local community page is enough to upset and anger me. But I can’t stick my head completely in the sand – I need to know what is happening around me for our safety. Especially considering that most of the things never make actual news.Β  Every now and then, the radio news catches me. I listen with one ear, but sometimes have to mute it. I know my daughter did the same the other day when they were reporting on yet another baby that had been raped and she said, “Sorry, but I just can’t listen to this stuff anymore.” (My cousin runs a safehouse/children’s home, and we have held and poured love out onto a nine month old baby who required extensive reconstructive surgery due to this very thing, and will have a colostomy bag for the rest of her life…so it hits very close to home for us every time we hear reports of this happening.) πŸ˜₯

Yesterday, I heard an economist speaking about loadshedding and its impact on us, and this morning I had a look at what he said in a broader light – ie. I went to look at some financial reporting.
Basically our economy is facing its second recession in two years. Mines have had to shut down. Everyone is already financially drained – businesses that are not corporate cannot afford generators and so no electricity means a halt in productivity, which means an inability to generate income, which means difficulty paying staff – forget about business running costs. A local man, someone I am acquainted with, committed suicide last week due to the financial pressures. He’s not the first this year, and I think that the way things are going, even though the year is nearly up, he won’t be the last 😦

Please forgive me for feeling despondent and frustrated and sad. And angry. All of which are emotions that are ridiculous when you take into consideration that they are all because of things that are completely not within my control. But I’m feeling them anyway. And I’m struggling a bit.

It hasn’t robbed me of my joy completely. And I am very grateful that for now the children and I have what we need and we woke up this morning, safe. So I know the negative emotions are a contradiction… but I can’t help feeling them. 😦
And yes, I have been a victim of crime – but the angels were working overtime and my protection was in place. I’ve been stabbed and robbed on a beach walk – saved from worse by fishermen nearby who heard my screams. My home has been broken into – and I live in the centre of a secure complex (a gated community with electric fencing all around). I am grateful we were not harmed – the stuff they can have. I don’t have much anyway.

I’ve never been a material person. In fact, it’s always been a standing joke : Show Meg a brochure without prices and she’ll still somehow love the cheapest things in it. That even applies to jewelry. It’s hilarious. I guess I don’t have expensive taste πŸ˜› But what I really want most in all the world is the most expensive thing – strange huh? I want out of my country.

Whatever you believe, here’s my hearts cry almost every day…..

Dear God,

I know it’s all about timing, but I am asking anyway… and I know that nowhere is ideal… but please can we move overseas? Please make a way where it is completely impossible and unattainable for us. Please.

I want my children’s education to MEAN something – I want them to have a future.

We want jobs that will provide for us.

I want our lives to mean something.

We don’t want to live in fear anymore.

We don’t want to be where human life has so little value – where petty theft is no longer just that.
Where people are killed for the few coins they have on them.
Where rape and murder are everyday occurrences.
Where even the ‘good and previously safe areas’ are areas of violent crime.
Where the sexual violence rate is one of the highest in the world.
Where babies are raped due to a ‘virgin cleansing myth’ that this will cure men of AIDS.
Where a house break in when people are home almost always involves rape, torture and murder.

That’s what we want. The timing may not be right. I get that.
Thank you for your complete protection this far. If this is where we have to be, please continue to provide and protect. Please.

And please help my heart to stay filled with joy. Please help me to continue to be kind to those around me.

Amen

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