Spring Cleaning

I’ve been missing in action. For me, it’s been a difficult time – but as usual, there is always some amusement to be had from difficult periods in our lives. My last blog post was very significant to my absence thereafter – which is rather funny (both funny ha ha, and funny weird) because I didn’t plan it that way at all.
Another thing that I found rather amusing is the fact that I have been ‘M.I.A’ for the entire season of Winter here where I live.
So perhaps this was made for me…….
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The only problem is that I haven’t been asleep the entire time…..although then again, maybe I have. Sleep is more than just eyes closed and snoring….it sometimes applies to a dormant soul and a closed heart – just some food for thought.

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Voicing My Vices

Recently I visited a post here where my fellow blogger really stepped out of her comfort zone, and admitted to having some vices. She asked for bravery at the end of her post.
I responded (I hadn’t had enough coffee yet, ha!) and her response to my comment was what initiated this post.
So, motherofnecessity this one is for you 😉

Admitting to vices such as ‘I drink too much coffee’ (bitter too, what’s more – got to control my sweetness, somehow); ‘I smoke, and enjoy it’ (that’s a disgusting habit that needs to stop, but at least there are no bodies buried in my backyard); ‘I bite my nails something fierce’ (another disgusting habit that I don’t even realise I am doing, until it’s too late) –
admitting to these, well, they’re sort of easy, in a sense. It’s when asked to admit to ‘character vices’ that I wind up with a lump in my throat, and have to take out my rowing boat, pick up an oar, and head down ‘De-nial (Nile) River. You see, it’s one thing to be able to flippantly admit that your character is flawed and ‘you’re not perfect’, and to then be able to triumphantly point out that no one is. It’s a whole different matter entirely when you actually sit down with a list of character vices, and have to acknowledge that that one is a part of you.

I’ve always been an upfront and honest person. I do tend to be longwinded though. Pffft. To my own detriment, I find myself to be more than willing to admit when I am wrong, and to admit to certain failures that I have.  I don’t necessarily find it difficult to see the negative in myself – although I really do need to try harder at finding the positive things about me.
Which is surprising, since I am a person who has a pretty positive outlook on life. This contradiction in me is something I choose to see as yet another of life’s great mysteries. Perhaps someday I will know the why’s and how’s, but for now, I will just work with what I have.

All right. Back to those character vices. I won’t be sharing all the ones that I found that are the ‘peanut butter to my jelly’ with regards to character – this would require being a little too personal. And trust me, there are parts of me that are better left unknown. (Attempting to insert a wicked laugh here, but the best I have is sounding too much like a Santa Claus belly chuckle. Pffft.)

Doubt. Yes. This is a big one for me. The description reads something like, “lack of trust and confidence; to suspect, to fear”. I would assume, if we are talking about a character vice, that this would mean that we kind of ‘overdo’ the doubt thing – almost to drama queen status (speaking of which, I wonder what I’ve done with my crown). Life experiences probably play a big part here, having trusted so much and been let down the equivalent.
But I can’t just blame experience.
It would appear that this is a vice of mine. Funny enough, I have a trusting side too though – and faith in people and their ability to change. Mysteries, I tell you! You see, when I read the description of doubt, my brain went into overdrive as it screamed, ‘That’s you!’ Since the numbers are probably something like 30% favourable, and 70% fitting the above description – I’m going to have to go with admission of guilt when it comes to ‘doubt’.

Impatience. To an alarming degree, in a lot of aspects of life, I am very much impatient. We don’t need a description for this one, simply because it is one we all know well. The funny thing is, I am not impatient when it comes to the things that most people would put on their list. I have been told many times, when dealing with older people, children, and waiting in line, that I have the patience of a saint. I have to agree with the majority. After all, majority rules, right? 😛 I also have no problem with being stuck in traffic. And yet, I know for a fact that Impatience is one of my vices – getting overly irritable when I could just sit back and let things happen…I mean, really, toasters and ovens can only work so fast.
I try and reassure myself, in moments of impatience,
that ‘good things come to those that wait’.
Unfortunately I have a list of good things – and I want them….yesterday. (I am no longer talking about toast and casseroles here!) 40% patient, 60% impatient – yes, I can add this character vice to my list.

I’ll give you one more of mine.
(I wish I could say that my character vices were limited to three, sigh.)
This one is a double whammy, because I believe the two go hand-in-hand in some respects – and the one above creeps in here too.

Hastiness and short-sightedness. Hastiness would mean ‘to do things or act in a hurry, for whatever reason’. Short-sightedness could be described as ‘doing without thinking about the future’. (I am considering purchasing a t-shirt right about now that states ‘Guilty As Charged’.) In my life, I have a tendency to ‘put the cart before the horse’, which sometimes results in some rather disastrous future consequences. I don’t always think things through, and become impatient – either with myself or a particular situation. This leads to rash actions and decisions, which impact the future – whether it be in a day, week, month or year. Again, we are probably all a little guilty of doing this. But as mentioned in my first vice, it becomes a vice when it gets done ‘to the maximum’, excessively so. And sadly, in this regard, I’d have to say I’m about 80% here. Sigh. I’m doing great, right?

In conclusion (because I am all ‘viced’ out right about now – and no, ‘viced’ is not a word) I’d like to add that all is not lost. My character may be flawed, but it has its positive attributes too. I shall cling to those, as I dock my little rowing boat; acknowledge my vices; and attempt to work a plan to deal with them accordingly.
All on the journey to a better me, and a better life.
Who knows what the future may hold?

Chocolate Medicine

Today is one of those days. A day where my identity seems to exist solely on problems. It started with something simple, but sparked a thought. Instead of stopping my mind in its tracks, I went with that thought.
(You’d think I’d know differently by now!)

And we walked hand in hand down a road that used to be well travelled in my life. I got stuck in the regrets of the past, mistakes I had made.

This, naturally, led to anxiety over my current situation – I suddenly began to worry more than I should about the future, about the things that are happening in the now. Worry and anxiety that changes nothing. It just made me sick.

By eleven o’clock this morning, I had a pounding in my head, and a throbbing in my neck. Only to discover that the medicine cabinet held nothing to ease the aching. And so I sat on my bed, and cried. No, actually, I didn’t.

I did sit on my bed though. And I wondered about ‘the mess of this thing we all have in common’ – life.
(I wrote an article about that a while back that you can read here)

I remembered that life will never actually be simple. But every moment of it is a chance to let go a little. To accept it, for what it is. A beautiful mess.
I read my article again, was thankful for my ‘work-of-art’ life, and grabbed a bar of chocolate on my way out the door.

Life lesson #(who knows, I lost count)

Always make sure that you have enough chocolate 😉