An old Western, of sorts!

They say that the ‘art of writing is in the rewriting’. If this were 100% correct, then the blog post I will be publishing should be a masterpiece worthy of an award. Ha ha!
I have worked on this post (written, deleted, rewritten) for almost four weeks now! Goodness gracious me! 😮

I’ve now reached the point of no return – I need to publish something, and so here it is. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. (She tips her hat, loops her thumbs in her leather belt, and puts one cowgirl boot forward. 😉 )

It’s been just over three months since my last blog post. That’s just sad! I didn’t realise it had been that long. And yet… at the same time… so much has happened in that ‘short space of time’ that it feels longer.

Long story short? (When have I ever managed to use less words when telling a story, ha ha?!? I’ll do my best here though…)

I’ve been extremely ill. And many will mutter ‘over exaggeration’, and that’s okay because even now when I think of it, it seems unreal that that is what I was reduced to! There were entire days where even getting to the bathroom seemed impossible, let alone trying to get my brain to focus!
I went from Severe Bronchospasm, to Bronchial Pneumonia, then Pneumonia, and throw in some Pleurisy too. Along the way (at the beginning, with sufficient time in between) I had two Covid tests, but both were negative.
Blood tests about 4 weeks ago (because I just wasn’t recovering) showed that I had indeed had Covid, and the conclusion was that I now have Long Covid. Up until the point of the tests, the fatigue (coupled with the chronic fatigue that I already suffer from) was debilitating, to say the least. Thankfully, treatment has been adjusted, and I can make it through a good few hours before I feel like my whole being will shut down.
The ‘Porridge Brain/ Brain Fog’ is something else… especially for someone like me! If you love to read, like I do, you will understand my pain when I say : I could not even read half a page in my book! 😮
And apparently I have developed asthma!

The GOOD news is that I am definitely recovering! So, my beautiful blogging world, you’ve not heard the last of me yet! 😉

I already know that what I am about to type now is going to hurt me somewhere deep inside, and the tears will fall uncontrollably as I type, and I will have to stop to try and settle myself, so that I can see the keyboard and screen, and get through this.
I feel my chest tightening already, and I am struggling to swallow the lump rising in my throat. I am actually feeling physical pain, as if my heart is breaking all over again 😦

Five weeks and one day ago, at 2:10pm, my beautiful big companion and very best friend (my boy, Toffee Dog, who I blogged about here, and have mentioned countless times along the way) collapsed. I had to rush him to the vet, somehow knowing that ‘this was it’. I still don’t know how I drove us there safely, and made it home safely. Because I sobbed, both ways. You’d need to read the blog post, and perhaps try to understand (draw on your sympathetic and understanding part of your mind), in order to appreciate the drastic impact this had on me.
Honestly, it was the hardest goodbye of my life thus far.
(He had a brain tumour.)
And true to being a psychologists nightmare (which I often declare that I am, ha! 😛 ) I still struggle to say the above out loud, and my composure still shatters, five weeks and one day later, when I think about him too much!
So… now that you have confirmed your suspicions that I am a special kind of crazy (I am smiling with my tears) let’s move on, shall we?

I’ll leave you with some good 😉

In the three+ months that I have been M.I.A from WordPress, despite physical and emotional pain, each and every day has given me an ‘in your face’ moment of gratitude. Something good has happened (albeit something small most days) in a way that I have been unable to overlook! An email; a message on my phone; assistance in some way (a meal delivered, my kids helping with the housework) – all things that brought a smile and a whispered ‘thank you’ to my lips.
All things that equate to acts of love.
Love that fanned the flame of hope, so that even if it wanted to, it could not die.

May hope spring eternal for all of you, every day, in some way!
Please don’t forget that the world needs someone like YOU, and you are loved! ❤

Thank you for reading. ❤ Here’s to me writing to you all again soon 😉

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hot update

My knees are feeling weak. No loving notions here… other than the fact that they have been working hard to protect me from kissing the floor today. 😛

We have had two weeks of humidity levels that have been higher than 70%. At 05:00 this morning, we were on 90%. It has dropped now to 70%, and I see there is a gradual increase predicted throughout the day today, so that by 21:00 we will be back to 90%. On the few days where we have been blessed with the much needed rain for our empty dams, humidity levels have remained the same. It’s that ‘I can barely breathe’ type of heat. I think that this is the worst our weather has ever been. February is always our hottest month, but it’s never been as bad as it is now. Which causes me to become overly concerned about what we have in store for us next month.

Our Winter months were a huge disappointment. June is usually the coldest time here – and that’s when things started going terribly wrong. June last year arrived, and we still walked around in short sleeves. In our entire Winter period, I seldom wore a scarf and lightweight jacket. My Winter sleepwear lay folded in the cupboard the entire time – I never even put a blanket on my bed. By the beginning of August, still Winter time, people were flocking to the beaches already.

My house is tiled, except for the bedrooms. The floors remain moist, and slippery. The brickwork on the veranda outside my bedroom looks damp. My indoor plants are wilting, despite me watering them.

And I think I am wilting too.

Bacteria and viruses thrive the most in humidity levels above 60%, so it’s no surprise that our healthcare system is currently under a lot of pressure. Due to very favourable conditions for bacteria and viruses, illnesses are resembling plagues at the moment. One of the greatest downfalls being the fact that most homes here do not have air conditioning – air con is reserved for the wealthy.

When humidity levels started getting uncomfortable at the beginning of December, I actually investigated the costs of purchasing smaller units – hoping to be able to put one in each of our bedrooms. The cost of one was the equivalent of what I earn in two months. So it was a no. Especially when I took into consideration the fact that we have such an unstable electricity system at the moment.

Having said all this, it will not surprise you that I got bronchitis shortly after New Year.
(I do usually get it around Christmas time, *rolling my eyes*, but 2018 I managed to successfully skip all that!)

I don’t like doctors. And with some of them the dislike is even personal 😛
I also have an aversion to antibiotics. They don’t react well with me – any of them. They leave me feeling listless and tired, and the heat is doing a good enough job of that already 😛 They also make me tearful and overly emotional. And did I mention tired?

But knowing my bronchial history, and putting my stubborn self in the naughty corner 😛  I hauled myself off to the doctor. I didn’t even fight with him when he gave me my prescription for antibiotics, and I cheerfully filled it and popped the first one. It was a rather strong 5 day course, and yesterday was 5 days post antibiotic. And I have felt no better – in fact, I am feeling worse.

A quick off-the-books consult with a GP friend of mine confirms what I suspected. I’m now at bronchial pneumonia stage.

No. I am not on another antibiotic – not yet anyway. I have promised to go and get another lot if I feel no better by Sunday though. For now, I am doubling up on a natural antibiotic that we have over here, and hydrating. I am going to rest a little more too. Speaking of which, I should probably go and lie down now for an hour, before I need to go and fetch my daughter from my school. Car drives are always great – I have air con in the car 😉

If you pray, please do – especially that these little growing suckers stay with me, and stay AWAY from my kids. But also that my health improves 😉
If you don’t pray, some cool thoughts will help too 😉

heartfelt contact

I received an email yesterday. Someone was genuinely concerned about me, and my absence from WordPress. This person wanted to know if I was okay – and to be honest, I am still not sure how I am, really. But this post is not to dwell on that. (There has been a lot going on the last ten days! Safety wise, the children and I are fine, though!)

I felt really bad when I received the email. Ridiculous, right?!?! Let me explain…

I tend to forget that there are people out there who may be concerned about me – people who actually miss my input… be it overwhelmingly me, or simply just a blog post. And I felt quite terrible/bad due to guilt of having someone worry because of me.

More explanations are necessary 😛

My real friends know every truth there is to know about me. My family don’t, because they’ve never bothered to ask – brothers, parents, cousins etc. have no idea of the things that I have been through. They’re too busy judging what they think they saw, and denying their roles. But my real friends know, because they’ve asked, and loved me unconditionally. A lot of those friendships have been built on 10 – 25 years of knowing me… that’s GOT to be unconditional love, right? 😛

Those real friends are my people. And they know me as ‘the strong one who always has a smile and a word of encouragement; the survivor who is always somehow okay’. And you can ask any of them, even in moments where I am not sure whether or not I actually AM okay (like now), or in moments when I SAY I am falling apart, none of them are deeply concerned about me… they just know that I will get through whatever it is I am going through. And although they reassure and encourage me with forwarded picture messages, and tell me that I have meaning in their lives, if they don’t talk to me for a few days, they don’t worry about me.

And because of this blessing (although sometimes it feels like a curse.. explanation to follow) in my personality, I am also the one that everyone comes to for help so that they don’t fall apart. And for some strange reason, there IS always a part of me to give. Even when I am sapped and think there isn’t. (Although admittedly, I take a personal sabbatical sometimes… but I struggle to resist the temptation of helping!)

The ‘curse’ part of this is as follows : there is very seldom just a concerned message asking if I really am okay. No, my friends are not shallow, and they definitely care for and love me. I don’t think I can explain it in a way that makes sense. I HAVE reached out previously, in moments of distress, and they HAVE been there. And the love and support has never been lacking in those moments.

But it’s very seldom that they will reach out to me just to ask if I am okay.

We have the types of friendships where we can not speak or see each other for six months, and when we get together you would think we had seen each other just yesterday.

And every now and then, the fact that no one checks up on me, sort of hurts. I was discussing this with a therapist friend, who comes to me for therapy sometimes – because even a therapist needs therapy 😛
Her recommendation to me was to tell them how I feel – and when I did, I got the answers I told you above – I am the strong one, I am the survivor… they know I am okay.

AND THEY KNOW that if I am truly feeling like I am at breaking point, I’ll let them know.

I’m okay with that.

Yesterday’s email made me cry. 

(I’ve been ill, and it always makes me feel a little more emotional than usual… but it also touched me deeply.)

The kindness shown in popping off an email and telling me that ‘you’ were concerned about me was completely overwhelming. While I felt terribly guilty that I had caused worry and concern, at the same time I felt cared about and missed. And I remembered what a comforting and soul-feeding emotion that was!

I’m still sick, so this is not the best of blog posts. But here’s what I’d like to say :

Think of your strongest, most encouraging, survivor-style friend… and send them a heartfelt ‘how are you’, please. They’ll probably say they are fine 😛 😉
But please check in with the ones who always take the time to check in on you 😉
That type of kindness simply has no measure.

And thank you to my blogging friend for making my day. 😉

And thank you to everyone who reads and comments on my WordPress – your input makes me feel loved and valued too. This community rocks! ❤

Courage

Today is an unhealthy day for me.

And I was sitting at the doctors surgery, eagerly awaiting my appointment, when I received a notification for a new blog post on one of the sites I like to regularly visit.

(It’s an excellent post and you should go and read it)

The question in the blog post loomed at me, because at the moment the only thing keeping me from writing right now is my health. And time.
Because ill health means there is even less time than usual.