How I miss her!

Below is an extract of a blog post I wrote a little over two years ago. I will explain a little later why it’s fitting for me to share it today.

”Today, exactly two years ago, I got the news that you had succumbed to the cancer that ravaged your body and you were gone. You were in your early forties. And a part of me broke in a way that nothing has ever broken before.

I type this, and I can’t stop the tears. I have to stop typing every now and then, because my vision is blurred and my nose needs blowing. How is it, that after two years, I can be reduced to this much pain and heartache for a friend?

I found the small tribute I wrote to you that day :

RIP, beautiful Tessie bear. You taught me SO much about grace, peace and unconditional love…not just during this difficult journey, but every day in the 25 years I knew you. You loved me so much, despite me being me when it was tough for others to ‘see’. You believed in me in a way no one ever did, and ever has since you’ve been gone. That’s a gift more precious than any other. So many wonderful memories, so much love and laughter. I’ll see you again one day, when we’re walking all the dogs in heaven. Till then, precious soul. Love you always, your Meggie.

I didn’t see you every day. We didn’t talk every day. We didn’t need to.

The amount of ‘little things’ moments of happiness we shared could fill more than 500 pages. Because we were strange like that.
And the tragedies and difficulties, another 500, I’m sure.

I remember the time we were mistaken for a couple. We laughed about that for years afterwards. Nothing could be further from the truth with regards to our romantic interests and sexuality.
But if I could have chosen a ‘partner’, without sex and romance, to live the rest of my life out with, I would have chosen you.

You were the first person I ever saw who brewed actual tea and used a strainer to pour us each a cup. (My mother used a teapot all the years, but with teabags.)
I still can’t get my veggie and feta stir fry to taste like yours did. I have followed your recipe exactly… maybe it truly was you that made the difference.
I am still not persuaded that pink is my colour, just because it was yours 😛 But I wear those ridiculous pink pyjamas you forced me to buy with pride and a smile as often as I can. (You’ll be please to know that I bought a pale pink top last year in the weakness of missing you, and made a pink beaded necklace to match it. My wardrobe is no longer all black. I hope you’re happy 😉 )
I still don’t like spending hours on the beach like you did, but every year you made me spend the morning there for your birthday celebration – breakfast on the beach – and I’d go, in my jeans, ha ha ha! I went last year on your birthday – yes, in my jeans. This year, the beaches are closed 😥 so I couldn’t go. But because I was outside in my own backyard with my breakfast, celebrating you, you finally got me in a pair of shorts! 😉
The weather outside today is windy and overcast – you’d think it’s miserable, and I can picture your horrified expression when I tell you once again how much I love it. You always loved the sunshine and heat. Today, it seems even the sun has disappeared in it’s longing for you.
I remember fondly the lengthy visits where no words were exchanged, other than the occasional offer of something to drink, as we sat in the same room, engrossed in the books we were reading.

Coleske; most books (although mostly crime thriller), Midsomer Murders, Chinese food – as much as possible on our budgets); freshly brewed tea on the veranda in the sunshine; Pharaoh and Age of Empires computer games – oh my gosh, and the time you got my son addicted to Mall Tycoon!; Camembert, Brie and Cranberry Cheese with crackers as a treat; all the scarves I knitted that we shared; love and devotion to dogs; movie nights with ice cream and popcorn and biltong and cheese, whatever we could afford as much as we could afford – these are, but a few, of OUR favourite things. (How many times did we watch The Sound of Music together, anyway??!!)

I celebrate you and everything you are to me, and the person you were. There are a lot of smiles and laughter in my memories and I promise I still smile and laugh when I think of you. I know you’d be upset to find me crying, but I can’t help feeling this sad. You’d understand though. And you’d love me anyway.

To say that I miss you is not adequate.
Thank you for the memories.
I love you always and forever, my Tessie Bear.
Your Meggie

Why do I think this share is fitting for today?
On this day, four years ago, I said my final goodbye to the amazing lady I wrote about above.
I have lost far too many people in the last few years, but none impacted me like Therese did (I called her my Tessie bear, or Tess).
When I think of those I have lost, I feel sad.
Every time, to this day, when I think of the loss of Tess, I don’t just feel sad. It makes me cry all over again.

Here’s what is incredibly weird for me…

My friend was gentle, kind, compassionate. She was non-judgemental in every way. She accepted everyone as they were, without expecting them to be how she wanted them to be. Even in the most dire circumstances she held onto a hope that seemed completely and utterly ridiculous at the time. She was always excessively grateful, even for the smallest of things. She had a warmth about her that drew people to her. She truly connected – even on the internet.
The incredibly weird part for me is that all of the above seems to have intensified within me in the last three years! 😮 😮 😮
(Again, I am probably a psychologists worst nightmare 😛 )

I suspect it has something to do with the fact that I find myself, every. single. day, pausing and thinking, ”I wonder what Tess would have done/said/thought”. And most times, as I go about my day, I can hear what I heard for so many years when she was alive, ”I’m so proud of you, Meggie.”
It’s not about mimicking her, or actually wanting to be her. It’s about appreciating the abundance of value she brought to life, and striving to continue to shine her light, in my own unique way.

When I first met her, at the age of 14 (ah, youth!), I was so in awe of her, ha ha ha! I remember saying to her, ”You are so cool! I hope I’m like you when I grow up!” (She was already 18/19 at the time – I don’t remember! Age is just a number 😉 )

And I can still only hope that I will continue to adopt her amazingly positive attributes, and live a life that would have made her proud. The funniest part? She was always proud of me, just for being me!

If she could read this right now, she’d probably phone me and say, ”Hello, my Meggie. Great blog post! But you still haven’t written that damn book I said you must write!” 😛

Today I will make myself veggie stirfry, with just a sprinkling of feta, while Coleske plays in the background. And tonight I will watch Midsomer Murders in my ridiculous pink pyjamas – but with no snacks, because I have to watch my cholesterol!

Cherish the special friends in your life who impact you in the best ways, my blogging friends. Time is far too short.
Thank you for reading, and for being here ❤

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Are you optimistic?

Photo credit : me.me

According to Google/Oxford languages :
An OPTIMIST is a person who tends to be hopeful and confident about the future or the success of something.
“only an eternal optimist could expect success”

Merriam-Webster says that a REALIST is a person who recognizes what is real or possible in a particular situation : one who accepts and deals with things as they really are.

One would think that the two could not possibly go together – especially when considering harsh realities – how could there still be hope?

Apparently they do!

A couple of years ago a friend came to me for advice. She chose to ask me because she wanted ‘the dream’. She was seeking a purely optimistic perspective – ‘of course it will work! Go for it! You’ll be a great success!’
She relied on the fact that I am always an encouragement, and always hopeful. She relied on my positive energy.
She probably should not have led with, ”I want to ask you about something, because I know I can trust you to be honest!”

This is not to say that I am dishonest in my encouragement or hopefulness.
Repeating the words of a very good friend, again, ”We interpret things from where we are. One person, using their window to the world will see it/you as this, and another will view it/you completely differently.’’

My ‘window of being an encouragement’ is predominantly based on, ”be who you needed when you were younger”. And… I’ll add… who I need in my life now as well.

I find that for me personally, my need for encouragement from others usually appears at the point where I have already heard enough reality. It comes at a time where I’ve already received input into something, sometimes from people who weren’t even asked to provide input 😛 , and it’s all just been so negative… to the point that it actually limits my potential in unrelated areas because it starts to affect my mindset in general – for example : While I see realistically that ‘those people’ are right, and it won’t work, their voices have been so loud and ‘so much’ that I start feeling that nothing will work.

And I find myself seeking encouragement in other areas, just to remind me that ‘one failure’ is not ‘total failure’. That I’ve still got this 😉 – just without ‘that’.

More often than not, the people who turn to me for encouragement seem to have reached that exact same point. They’ve been slammed with so much negativity that they just desperately want to hear something positive! And, to be honest, if I can find nothing positive about whatever it is that they are asking, or struggling with…. I’ll admit it : I deflect. I try to distract from their reality, to remind them of the goodness that still exists.

I am probably wrong.

But in my personal experience, I have found that the result is usually this : the problem/reality still exists, and is still devastating, but they find an extra ounce of strength… and as small as it is, there is a definite increase in their ability to cope.

MY personal experiences and findings are probably a psychologists nightmare! 😛

Back to my friend….
She had specifically triggered the honesty in me… not the deflection. I owed it to her to be realistic. My response was hesitant – I carefully considered each word before I spoke it!
And afterwards we were in tears – with laughter!!!
She taught me something important that day! I learned that it is possible to be an Optimistic Realist!
That the two really can be combined!
I choose to put the word ‘optimistic’ first though, because I definitely lean more towards it…
Despite some of my realities, and despite knowing that the arguments some make that ‘it is impossible’ are true,
”Hope Springs Eternal” in my heart! For better, or for worse.

And I was reminded the other day that this has always been a part of ‘who I am’. The Facebook Memory that reminded me made me smile, and cry.
I smiled because I needed that reminder so desperately, at a time when my reality was overwhelming me.
And I cried because I miss this particular friend so very much – I lost her to cancer.
The memory?

I am not saying that being the way I am is an entirely good thing 😛
And over the years, many have tried to change this part of me – and I am well aware of ‘what a bad quality it can be’, because they have told me so! On numerous occasions! Ha!

But personally? From my window? It keeps me strong – in the face of harsh realities, it is what pulls me out of bed in the morning. So it really can’t be all that bad for me 😉

So… if you need a little bit of ‘deflected encouragement’… hit me up… I’m your girl 😉
I’ll even do it honestly and not deflect, if you so wish… but I’ll have to talk slowly 😛 😉

Thank you for reading,
Meg x

Memorable Friends

I don’t remember when Facebook introduced the ”Memories” / ”on this day” page. Google says it was in 2015.
What I DO remember is that there were a lot of memes thereafter, basically complaining about it and mostly because people ‘didn’t want to be reminded’.

I’d love to be able to tell you that my memories of my life as a whole are all amazing and wonderful. But I can’t. I have some really bad memories. (And as I am getting older, I seem to just have a bad memory in general 😛 – Yes, I know… ”ugh, Meg, just ugh!” 😛 )

What I have discovered with my Facebook Memories though is this : because I did not use the public platform to vent anger or hurt (other than the odd post from the first three years I was on there), or share things my older self would chastise my younger self for 😛 , MY Facebook memories actually bring me a lot of joy! Not always, because there ARE memories of a failed marriage, or losing a friend to an illness, along the way etc.. BUT I’d say that 90% of the time, scrolling back through my memories ‘on that day’ in years gone by give me wonderful food for thought, or have me laughing out loud as I remember ‘way back when’.

There is usually a connection somewhere in that memory to something unpleasant. And I find myself sometimes having to be mindful of sticking only to the good parts 😉

This morning I had a memory from 14 years ago that had me thinking, ”What were you thinking?” 😛

It was a status update and I had said this : ”I am ready to go. Not sure how ready I will be when I get home though.”

Confusion reigned in my mind – what on earth was I talking about!?!? I was relieved to see that there were comments! Perhaps that would shed some light? And it definitely did! Because I found myself (14 years younger than I am now 😛 ) replying to someone else’s comment and saying this :
”I just got home. Did a 5km walk/jog to the beach and back. Will be repeating tomorrow. And tomorrow I will have a swim too. It’s supposed to be a daily repeat after work each evening… if I CAN still walk in a few days time 😛 So grateful to have (not their real names) Tina and Paul in my life!”

My heart leapt for joy at the memories that came flooding back! And I suddenly yearned for that couple who were such an active (pun intended 😛 ) part of my life! ❤
(And the days that were a bit safer around here too… sigh.)

Tina was British. I don’t remember if Paul was or not. Tina was simply amazing! Both were about 15 years older than me, and became my closest friends very quickly. Tina had a no nonsense way about her… and she was quite hilarious!
(She’d sometimes read to my daughter if I was still busy changing from work clothes into exercise clothes, to keep my daughter occupied. Tina’s daughter would babysit for me so that we could go exercise! And Tina’s stories were always ‘added to’ versions of old favourites. Example? ”And the Prince found her shoe on the steps.” Tina would then say, as if it was actually written there in the book, ”which was the silliest thing ever because what woman in her right mind leaves a shoe behind?” And she would just continue reading – there was a flow to it all – and every now and then my daughter would accuse me of not reading the story properly because ‘Aunty Tina’ read ‘xyz’ and I had left it out. Ha ha ha!)

Every time I was sad, or upset, or wanted to be miserable, I’d hear, ‘hosh posh, come along then!’ from Tina… and along I’d go, to whatever she was dragging me to 😛
She also couldn’t be bothered with gossiping, or judging others. Everyone was beautiful to her. She never got offended. If I remember right, she used the word ‘ridiculous’ a lot. Ha ha!

Paul was the exercise driven one. And he was always around. He was honest, and sometimes I’d say to him, ”You really have no filter, do you?” because he’d have no problem telling me, ”yes, that makes you look fatter” when asked, ha ha ha!

Together, they were just magic! We only had about six months together – then life took us in different directions, and they moved away. I guess life got busy for us all… as so often happens… and we lost touch! I vaguely recall an invitation at the beginning of 2020 that if I was ever in their area, I was to come for a visit. It was a quick post on my Facebook wall, and I don’t even remember if I ever responded!

So… I saw the memory this morning, yearned for them, and then began to go about my day. But they were all I could think about, and an hour later the yearning had intensified! I needed to reach out!
We’re Facebook friends, but I discovered that Tina’s profile seems dormant. I popped off a quick message, but it wasn’t delivered. I don’t give up that easily though 😛

I found their daughter’s profile, and sent her a message too! She explained that Tina is not actually on Facebook anymore. So I gave her my email and my cellphone number, and asked her to please ask her Mum to get in touch!
From what I can glean, they’re all in the UK now… which is very far away!

But not far enough that if Tina and I get on a phone call, she will somehow lovingly hit me upside the head despite the distance 😛 and I get the feeling we’ll be good friends again! (And this time I will make sure that we don’t lose touch again!)

With that in mind, and because I am sometimes patiently impatient 😛 I wondered if Paul wasn’t maybe still on Facebook. So I took a chance, and popped off a message to him. An hour later, I had an inbox! As a result, I am now communicating with Paul, who has passed on Tina’s number but says she’s quite busy at work and will be in touch later today! I wish later would come sooner! Ha ha ha!

I’m sharing this for two reasons.

One (another pun) some memories can be really great to remember!
and two :

I am appreciating more and more each day how much we lose along the way because, well, life! It seems that as much as we try to slow down, the pace of it doesn’t seem to want to let us! It is so easy, even when we have free time, to be caught up in the busyness of everything around us!
A true, good friend is rare. We should cherish the moments we can! ”Life” should never be so busy that we forget to set aside time for those who are in it with us!

That said, I am truly grateful for my fellow bloggers, who not only give me great reading material 😉 but likes and comments on my mishaps and motivations too! 😉

Yours, counting down the hours, 😛

Meg x

Paying attention to good stuff

3am. A little dog panting and jumping on me. ”I need to go, Mom!”
I stumbled around in the semi darkness, finding my glasses on the floor (how did they get there?), reached for the keys to open up, and dropped them… twice.
All the while, little Miss was running in circles… ”Hurry up, Mom, hurry up!”
Thankfully, she was quick. And my brain was just foggy enough still to not want coffee! 😉 I slept another hour and a bit, and woke to my 5am alarm.
Yes, I groaned. 😛
Sipping on my second cup of coffee, my mind started waking up properly, and as it always does, it produced a blog post.
(This is the part where I admit to the following : I write blog posts in my head a lot! They’re usually pretty good, ha ha! Then I find that peaceful gap where I can sit and type one out, and they’re all gone! Disappeared! Bermuda Triangle stuff! Mysterious, indeed!)

6am found me sitting at the computer, determined to type the ‘brilliant’ post in my head, but first I needed to catch up on a few blogs.

The following is not what I was going to blog about!

If we can start our day with a giggle or a smile, a little bit of happiness, it changes things. Well, it does for me anyway. It’s a small thing, a small difference, but it somehow makes something in me a little bit stronger – as if it equips me for whatever might come my way.
Yes, admittedly, when really bad stuff happens, I may falter. But for the most part is helps.

Wic from Letters to Pogue always seems to speak to me in one way or another – soul food and thoughts to ponder! Inspiration and encouragement more often than not! A worthy blog to visit if you have not already done so 😉

This morning I was catching up, and it was his Monday Musing for today that made me giggle. (Not to detract from serious thoughts in there – there was definitely food for thought – I’ll be contemplating after this 😉 )

Please do go and read it : I think what I am saying is that the things that often make life rich and bring a smile to our faces are the ‘little’ things.

In the meantime, here’s the ‘little memory’ that made me giggle :

For some odd reason, when I was younger, the Tooth Fairy never visited my house. My teeth were whisked off to a magical place, with a shiny coin to replace them, by the Tooth Mouse.
There were discussions about this amongst my little peers, with the boys being of the opinion that it was simply because I wasn’t dainty enough for the fairy – conversations that took place in whatever tree we were climbing at the time 😛 (My mother eventually stopped sending me to pre-school in pretty dresses 😛 The strange thing was that I liked being girly, and dresses made me feel like a princess, but I simply couldn’t resist climbing the tree! Ha ha!)

When I had a loose tooth, the money I could get did not attract me in the least – I tried hard to hide that loose tooth! Because if my cousins found out (the three girls), they were delighted! My aunt would double check that it was loose enough, and then one of them would sit on my chest, one would hold my arms, and the third my legs. And they’d wiggle it right out of my mouth for me! (looking back, this was definitely a better alternative to tying string to my tooth and a doorknob and slamming the door, ha ha ha!) They’d send me home, tooth in hand, delighted at the thought that soon I’d have a shiny coin!

One day while I was munching on some Crackerbread, alone in our large kitchen (oh! How I miss having a big kitchen!), I caught a glimpse of the Tooth Mouse!
Unable to contain my excitement, I ran out to the garage to tell my dad! He smiled, but I remember some concern too.
We made our way to the kitchen, to find my mother there, putting the kettle on for some tea. I was delighted to share my news with her, and somewhat confused when she shrieked and ran off to her bedroom! (Dad refused to set mouse traps – it would be too traumatising for me.)

But I suspect the Tooth Mouse had seen and heard it all, because none of us ever saw him again!
I did still get a shiny new coin when my next tooth got retrieved though 😛 😉

I hope your week is FULL of little reminders of happy memories from the past! Have a great one, everyone! ❤


You’re never too old…

… TO LEARN NEW THINGS! 😉

(unless, of course, you have certain limitations)

Something that I think most of you will find funny because you probably know what you’re doing 😛 ….
I learned last week how to check the brake fluid level in my car, and when to top it up!
The reason behind me having to learn wasn’t pleasant though – my wheel cylinder was busy packing up and leaking brake fluid… and eventually it completely gave up the ghost and I was without a vehicle for a few days!
BUT! Despite the unpleasantness, I LEARNED SOMETHING VALUABLE! And now if any of my friends report handbrake lights that won’t go off, or a softening brake pedal, I can confidently check their cars brake fluid levels, top up if necessary and then send them off to their mechanic!
(and since everyone seems to see me as such a lady this is quite an accomplishment for me, and makes me giggle to think about ‘being under the hood’ 😛 )

I have learned this week that it IS possible to watch the same movie at least 50 times, and still see new things the next time you watch it. I learned that perhaps also, as our hearts change and we mature, those same movies can take on a deeper meaning than before. How very strange!

And then, there was the reminder…

The loss of a good friend was a painfully sad happening in the last couple of weeks. It brought back the heart breaking and gut wrenching memories of losing my best friend a few years ago to cancer. This good friend’s death was sudden though – she had been fine (despite battling cancer and chemo for many years), then suddenly grew incredibly tired that night and her husband called the ambulance. Six hours later, she was gone – a blood clot in her lung.
A horrible loss, but one that carried with it so many wonderful reminders… (based on her) :
*Life is short, and anything can happen at any time.
*Be somebody that makes everybody feel like they are somebody!
*Tell those who have meaning in your life that THEY DO! As often as possible, even at the times when you think they will be annoyed with it, or bored with hearing it!
*You look beautiful when you smile!
*Have long conversations and make happy memories so that others have those parts of you to smile about when you’re not around

And although this seems like a ‘nothing’ post…

I do suspect that each of you reading has found something in here that has made you smile, or given you a reminder you might need.

I am hoping to post more often in the coming weeks, but for now please try and remember (and yes, I adjusted the following from a quote because this way it is a little more relevant to what I have been experiencing) :

GOOD THINGS BRING US HAPPINESS…
BAD THINGS BRING US EXPERIENCE AND LESSONS…
THE BEST THINGS BRING US BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES!

Here’s hoping you all experience good, and the best, this week! (And if you have to have the bad, then my hope for you is that you will have someone to love you through it!)

Empathy

It’s been a very long while, hasn’t it?
In case you are wondering, I have thought about you all every day… and missed you. Time away from WordPress is surprisingly a little distressing for me. In time, all will be revealed and my absence explained a little bit. 😉

But for now…..

I wanted to share a Facebook memory with you. For those who don’t have Facebook, they like to remind us of posts from the past. In case we like them and cherish the reminder. Sometimes it’s bitter sweet, sometimes it’s just plain sweet, and yes… sometimes I think we have to swallow the little bit of bitterness that may threaten to well up at a particular memory.

THIS memory, for me, was a sweet one. It’s from four years ago. It’s sweet because I LOVE the reminder contained within.
The image I had shared is as follows :

Someone had commented on this picture and said that they ‘struggled with empathy because they just weren’t an empath at heart’.

I understand that… and still do. Not everyone is an empath ‘to the bone’. As I often point out, we are all different and it takes ‘all kinds to make the world go round’. How boring it would be if we were all the same.

However, UNDERSTANDING that is coupled with LOVE covers a whole lot of other things – it opens doors to kindness and gentleness and compassion etc. And it’s important! VERY important.

In fact, I feel like it is SO important that even if you are not an empath, and you recognise this, that it is something you should then at least TRY! You won’t get it right all the time. And sometimes it is really difficult. But trying takes you one step closer… and may make a big difference to the person in question.

I have an empathetic soul. There are still times where I struggle with understanding. I have learnt that sometimes I need to keep my ‘lack of understanding’ to myself, and still just be kind. Not because of the other person, but because of me. It develops good character. So I just keep trying 😉

I am hoping you are all well. Please know you have all been missed! Happy Sunday, everyone ❤

Tessie Tribute

Last night, I tossed and turned in my bed. And it wasn’t because the dogs had taken over and there was a very small space for me to try and settle in. The memories that flooded me, of a beautiful soul lost to this world, my dear friend, Therese, were overwhelming. I smiled for the most part, while my throat burned and tears fell at the same time.

Lock down has had me in a confused state regarding days and dates. Each morning, I have to check on my cell phone to make sure I’m in the right space of time, so to speak. I didn’t check properly yesterday, but I knew it was Saturday.

I woke this morning, after eventually falling asleep sometime in the early hours, to a beautiful sunrise that I enjoyed with my coffee. The memories still flooded me as I sipped and relished in the beauty in the sky, and the ache in my heart was so real that it felt new, like I was living in that exact moment that they told me you were gone all over again.

It turns out that our sub-conscious mind is sometimes a lot stronger than we think or know – but then again, that’s sort of the point of ‘sub-conscious’, isn’t it? I came inside to make my second cup of coffee, and checked my phone for messages and emails. And I noticed the date. Today, exactly two years ago, I got the news that you had succumbed to the cancer that ravaged your body and you were gone. You were in your early forties. And a part of me broke in a way that nothing has ever broken before.

I type this, and I can’t stop the tears. I have to stop typing every now and then, because my vision is blurred and my nose needs blowing. How is it, that after two years, I can be reduced to this much pain and heartache for a friend?

I found the small tribute I wrote to you that day :

RIP, beautiful Tessie bear. You taught me SO much about grace, peace and unconditional love…not just during this difficult journey, but every day in the 25 years I knew you. You loved me so much, despite me being me when it was tough for others to ‘see’. You believed in me in a way no one ever did, and ever has since you’ve been gone. That’s a gift more precious than any other. So many wonderful memories, so much love and laughter. I’ll see you again one day, when we’re walking all the dogs in heaven. Till then, precious soul. Love you always, your Meggie.

I didn’t see you every day. We didn’t talk every day. We didn’t need to.

The amount of ‘little things’ moments of happiness we shared could fill more than 500 pages. Because we were strange like that.
And the tragedies and difficulties, another 500, I’m sure.

I remember the time we were mistaken for a couple. We laughed about that for years afterwards. Nothing could be further from the truth with regards to our romantic interests and sexuality.
But if I could have chosen a ‘partner’, without sex and romance, to live the rest of my life out with, I would have chosen you.

You were the first person I ever saw who brewed actual tea and used a strainer to pour us each a cup. (My mother used a teapot all the years, but with teabags.)
I still can’t get my veggie and feta stir fry to taste like yours did. I have followed your recipe exactly… maybe it truly was you that made the difference.
I am still not persuaded that pink is my colour, just because it was yours 😛 But I wear those ridiculous pink pyjamas you forced me to buy with pride and a smile as often as I can. (You’ll be please to know that I bought a pale pink top last year in the weakness of missing you, and made a pink beaded necklace to match it. My wardrobe is no longer all black. I hope you’re happy 😉 )
I still don’t like spending hours on the beach like you did, but every year you made me spend the morning there for your birthday celebration – breakfast on the beach – and I’d go, in my jeans, ha ha ha! I went last year on your birthday – yes, in my jeans. This year, the beaches are closed 😥 so I couldn’t go. But because I was outside in my own backyard with my breakfast, celebrating you, you finally got me in a pair of shorts! 😉
The weather outside today is windy and overcast – you’d think it’s miserable, and I can picture your horrified expression when I tell you once again how much I love it. You always loved the sunshine and heat. Today, it seems even the sun has disappeared in it’s longing for you.
I remember fondly the lengthy visits where no words were exchanged, other than the occasional offer of something to drink, as we sat in the same room, engrossed in the books we were reading.

Coleske; most books (although mostly crime thriller), Midsomer Murders, Chinese food – as much as possible on our budgets); freshly brewed tea on the veranda in the sunshine; Pharaoh and Age of Empires computer games – oh my gosh, and the time you got my son addicted to Mall Tycoon!; Camembert, Brie and Cranberry Cheese with crackers as a treat; all the scarves I knitted that we shared; love and devotion to dogs; movie nights with ice cream and popcorn and biltong and cheese, whatever we could afford as much as we could afford – these are, but a few, of OUR favourite things.  (How many times did we watch The Sound of Music together, anyway??!!)

I celebrate you and everything you are to me, and the person you were. There are a lot of smiles and laughter in my memories and I promise I still smile and laugh when I think of you. I know you’d be upset to find me crying, but I can’t help feeling this sad. You’d understand though. And you’d love me anyway.

To say that I miss you is not adequate.
Thank you for the memories.
I love you always and forever, my Tessie Bear.
Your Meggie

 

Kid memory

I was watching a movie last night and there was a line in it that suddenly made me laugh out loud. It wasn’t funny by any means, and the movie was pretty serious too – but it sparked something in my memory for some odd reason. And I laughed a little too long at that memory – because perhaps that was what I needed.

It isn’t even really that funny, when I think about it now. But I thought I’d share it anyway, because it’s quite sweet… and we could all use some sweetness and a smile 😉

When I was 9 or 10, my mother owned a day care centre in collaboration with her church. It was open for about three years – until the church decided to do something else with the building in which it was housed.
I would visit there in the afternoons after school – and I loved the little kids. Their age ranges were 2 to 6, and so some of them were not that much younger than me.

But I have always been an old soul, and thinking back now, I feel like I was so much older than them. My brothers were 9 and 11 years older than me, and I sometimes think I grew up as a mini adult. I don’t know.

But I know I was very fond of those little kids, and loved reading to them, and drawing with them, and caring for them.

Duane was one of my favourites – we’re now Facebook friends, ha ha ha!
Back then, he was four years old, and he was the cutest little thing with the chubbiest cheeks I had ever seen. He put those chubby cheeks to good use. Duane loved after lunch nap time. He was always the first one asleep, and the last one to wake up… often needing to be woken. He loved nap time so much that he’d store the last two mouthfuls of food in his cheeks, just so that he could be excused from the table to do his quick bathroom visit and then go to his little mattress and pillow. I think he chewed and swallowed while in the bathroom. But one day, he was so tired, that he seemed to have forgotten. They’d had grapes at the end of the meal, and he kept one in either cheek. He fell asleep like that though! Thankfully, he didn’t choke. Instead, almost as soon as he was asleep, his mouth opened and they popped out onto his pillow. They were discovered as the assistant teacher made her rounds to cover the children with blankets and my mother was called. After that, little Duane’s cheeks were checked before he left the table!

But that’s not the story I wanted to share 😉

Ross was three (almost four at the time of the story I want to share) years old, and small for his age. He had big brown eyes, and sandy brown hair that was growing out past his ears, and he also sported a very straight, very thick, floppy fringe (bangs). He was very well behaved and a lot quieter and gentler than the other boys. And he had a lisp, which made him even cuter.
One day, as the assistant teacher, Pam, was tidying the bookshelf, little Rossi (that’s what we called him – no relation to Valentino 😛 ) came sidling up to her. He watched, and then helped with the lower shelf. When all the books were neatly put back in place in that shelf, Rossi stood up, put his hands on his hips and let out an enormous sigh. Pam turned to face him, and smiling down at him she said,
“And now, Rossi? What’s your case?”  (the line from the movie)

Rossi’s brown eyes widened and he suddenly look very confused. In his soft little voice he replied,
”But Aunty Pammie, you know my cathe. It’th the one with the red and white thtripeth!”

And his school suitcase was, indeed, the one with the red and white stripes. Pam started laughing, and gathered him up in a hug. Then she sat him down and explained what she had meant, and he laughed too, stating, ”I’m a thilly banana and I’m not even yellow!”

So it’s just a quick share…. but I felt it worthy 😉 Here’s hoping you at least smiled 😉

Be safe everyone!

 

Unwrapping the Present

Browsing through Facebook last night, I came upon this picture. It had been shared quite a few time and there were so many ‘love’ responses….

time

As I read comment after comment, the gist of it seemed to be that people were in a place of hurt or anger, and they wanted to go back to a time when life was easier and simpler.

I USED to relate. I can’t anymore.

Continue reading

It’s in the little things of that moment when…

Today is a day where I find myself experiencing chronic fatigue, and an overwhelming urge to pull the duvet over my head and sleep till all the big things that are plaguing me and causing me undue stress have passed – because all things pass and come to an end sometime, right?

Unfortunately, when it comes to the big things, ignoring them or hiding from them does not make them go away – they just become bigger, and more overwhelming. They need to be dealt with, one step at a time. Giants need to be faced – even if you have to wear an adult diaper to do so.

It’s taken me a really long time (pretty much my whole life) to realize that when the big things threaten my peace of mind and leave me feeling lost in a sea of hopelessness, I should take a moment and remember some of the good ‘little’ things that make me happy. In doing so, I am usually able to draw a little extra strength for the tasks at hand.

So here are some ‘memories’ for my ‘little things’ today :

– That moment when you’re away from harsh lights and the big city, and look up at the night sky, and see a million stars looking back at you.

– That moment when you’ve reached the end of a long day, and are driving home in exhaustion, and are able to experience the glorious colors of a beautiful sunset.

– That moment when you wake with a start, see the time and realize you’re going to be so late, and then remember it’s Saturday and you can close your eyes again!

– That moment when your child spontaneously turns to you and says the magic words, “Thank you for all that you do for us, Mom”.

– That moment when you’ve tried a new recipe and it looks good, and tastes even better!

What are some of your ‘little things’?